When You Thought You Could Hold it Together
Updated: Sep 23, 2019
So a few days after a nasty break up with my sperm donor *rolls eyes*, I did a full blown 180 with my appearance, outlook, like everything. I was done with his shit. I was tired of going back and forth with an idiot that lusted after middle school girls. I wasn't going to try to compete with children when I was a grown ass woman with a baby. Next thing you know, I had a box of Splat hair dye in crimson (you know what they say. New hair, new attitude, new everything), I got a waist trainer, ya girl had just learned how to do her eyebrows, and pulled out some old clothes that would show off my new mom bod (nothing beats the killer hips you get after having your first baby). Those hips had ya girl feeling like Jessica Rabbit.
My best friend at the time just so happened to come out and tell me that he had always hoped I would give him a chance (that's a different story for a different time). So I thought, hell, I might as well. Can't hurt anything. We decided to go on a date to see the new Nicholas Sparks movie since there wasn't anything else to do in Welch.
All that confidence I had went out the window when the time came. It took me easily 2 hours to get ready. The only thing poppin' was my new red hair that I just HAD to straighten 50 times. My jeans were a bit snug, so I did the old hairbow trick to give myself a little wiggle room. My boobs were LITERALLY in my neck. None of my regular bras were ready for my post pregnancy boobs and I sure as hell wasn't about to wear a nursing bra with a skin tight v-neck (and changing outfits would have taken 5 more hours and an act of God).
I hold my breath and get myself back to my bad bitch mentality before heading out. My mom didn't help at all. Moms can always tell when something is going to end badly. She took one look at me, her eyes got big, and she gave me a look that said, "PLEASE don't pass out!" When I say I held my breath, I REALLY HAD TO HOLD MY BREATH. I hadn't worn jeans in forever and the slightest wrong move would have caused all hell to break loose. All I could think as my new mom hips swayed from side to side on the way to the car was that this damn hairbow was stronger than Hercules. It's humid outside and I can tell that my hair is slowly but surely turning into a tumbleweed.
In the theater, I try to sit as straight as possible so my boobs don't suffocate me. Meanwhile, he's trying to get me to sit closer to him (Homeboy, I'm trying my best not to turn into a busted can of biscuits right now). The movie is a lot sadder than I thought and being a nervous wreck while getting ready, I DIDN'T WEAR WATERPROOF MASCARA and my eyes are on FIRE.
When it's finally over, I've managed to keep my gut sucked in and my back straight and I had to admit that I was doing pretty damn good.
We sat in his car for a while, just talking (I'm avoiding too much laughter without seeming uninterested) until I feel a tickle in my nose. His cologne doesn't make it any better. He grabs his phone and wants to take a picture (bad idea dead ahead!). I take another deep breath and lean over so he can snap the picture. Bruh, by the time I got back over in the passenger seat, I'm dying. The biggest sneeze to ever leave my body threw all of that hard work out the window. I hear a tearing sound and I don't know where the hell it came from. I feel a bit more room in my jeans around the waist and thighs. My boobs are suddenly no longer in my neck. And now I start to panic. I'm actually breaking a sweat. I can feel the bullets racing down my forehead that I had to wipe away. Then I REMEMBER THAT I FILLED MY EYEBROWS IN BEFORE I LEFT....
He turns on the overhead light to try to get a kiss and I have never gotten the HELL out of dodge so fast in my life.
I drive home as quickly as possible and run in the house like something is chasing me. My mom, brother, and sister are roasting my ass before I could even take a look at the damage. The three of the simultaneously yelled, "DAMN! WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO YOU?!" when they got a better look at me. I get to a mirror and see that that sneeze snapped my bra right down the middle and the hairbow is nowhere to be found. My hair has fluffed out like it's been freshly washed and blow dried, I have black streaks down my face, and there are 2 brown smudges where my eyebrows should be.
And that's when I decided that the next dude was gonna get whatever the hell stepped out of that house. Rolls, thunder thighs, afro, bags under my eyes, and all.