Updated: Sep 23, 2019
It's 3 am and I'm having one of those weird episodes where I'm literally wigging the fuck out and I have no idea what's wrong with me or how to stop it. My whole body feels jittery and a million emotions are running through me at once. I don't know whether I want to scream, cry, or start an argument with Thomas (thankfully he's asleep). It's like I'm over stimulated when I've done absolutely nothing but sit around. I just feel totally and completely agitated and I want to fight anything and everyone to get it out of my system.
None of the above would be fair to anyone, especially Thomas. Sometimes I end up taking all of my frustration out on him (not nearly as much as I used to) when there's only something as small as a grain of sand that's bothering me. It's all incredibly distressing and it often makes me wonder if this is what dying feels like. Feeling everything at once before your heart stops beating. It's that painful.
Sometimes I can't breathe. I can't think. It feels like another part of my soul is trying to claw its way out of my chest. I try to smoke a cigarette or two to help take the edge off and if I'm not careful, I end up blowing through a whole pack in under 20 minutes (because I'm looking for some kind of relief, but I never find it).
It's one of those feelings that makes me have to force myself to remember that a bad moment or a bad day doesn't mean you have a bad life (thankfully it doesn't happen nearly as much as it used to). Forcing myself to see that has saved my ass numerous times. And then I realize that I'm one of the lucky ones. Not everyone gets the chance to see that. Not everyone can take that step back to grasp reality and see that it's only a temporary set back and the pain won't last forever.
Sleep gives me a lot of relief (when I'm licky enough to calm down in order to actually fall asleep) and after one of these episodes, I'm completely drained. I don't know if it's an anxiety attack (I don't feel nervous or like I'm panicking. It's just an overwhelming amount of emotions rushing through me).
It's just one of those nights where I thought I was almost to the point of being emotionally stable, but I'm not. Lord knows I couldn't handle an increase in my meds (I sleep enough. Sometimes too much), but once again, thank God it doesn't happen as much as it used to. Currently trying to think peaceful thoughts for a peaceful night (watching Watchmen probably won't help but watching one of my favorite movies is a good distraction).