Until We Bleed
I remember the very first time my heart broke. I remember it like it was yesterday and I'm waking up, wrapping my head around the reality that I was left feeling all alone in the world. I was 13 years old back then and there was nothing that anyone world could tell me to make it better or take the pain away (as you can see, I did A LOT of soul searching and a lot of crazy shit went down that year). I was in love with the idea of being in love. I wanted to have the security of knowing that someone was there to look out for me and make me feel safe. I wanted someone to kick start my heart and light a fire in my veins. I didn't want butterflies. They weren't strong enough to take my breath away like I wanted. When that didn't happen or I was left feeling broken, it could only be described as a hole being in my chest that was raw and aching with no sign of healing. Seeing him when he wasn't concerned or involved with me, giving me attention, it felt like I was only picking at a scab, threatening to give myself an infection. Falling back into remaining hopeful that we could fix our relationship was the infection.
I hat the fact that there's only been one time in my life where I've felt the relief of finally being healed and me being the idiot that I am, I got roped in with the same person all over again. Sadly, the pain didn't stop when my teens came to an end. It's happened over and over again with different people throughout the years and now it's happening again. I think that I feel like I have so much love that I want to give someone because I don't want to love myself/ I don't want to love myself or the life I'm living because I feel like my place in this world is so incredibly insignificant and loving myself would seem even more selfish.
Once again, I have the Celexa to thank because this is the very first time that I've ever been able to truly put how love has made me feel into words. It's also the first time that I've ever thought about the value of my life. It's sad to say it, but my desperate need for love and attention probably started back when I was a child. It wasn't because of having younger siblings or having a younger sibling that really needed more attention like you'd expect. My guess is that it probably developed initially when my dad started coming around. I was always excited when I saw him, but I was jealous and I couldn't understand why he didn't live with me or why I didn't remember him in the past. He made it a point to spend time with me, but it was always just me and him in the beginning without the others. I got the feeling that there was a little tension when I started coming around, so I enjoyed every minute of his undivided attention. Unfortunately, it probably did more harm than good.
It was my dad's fault (as well as a few more family members on Momma's side) that I've become a spoiled attention seeking brat. I never found the link that has caused problems in my intimate relationships, but it's clear now. I really have been dating guys that are like my dad and I never even thought about that single aspect of my life life before. If you know how my dad is toward his kids, then you know that he likes to brag and boast and pump our heads full of compliments, just like a father is supposed to do. That's one of my most favorite things about him. We can talk to each other like father and daughter with him praising me for all of my compliments or we can talk like we're long lost best friends. I go looking for the same exact things in a partner with receiving compliments and attention being at the very top of my list.
This is what truly sends my emotions into a frenzy. I'm a spoiled brat and not receiving attention that I want makes me regress. I end up in a foul mood one minute, panicking or so mad that I can't even see straight and in as little as five seconds, I feel depressed, hopeless, and abandoned and the depression is extremely hard to back out of. So, I simply torture myself and let it all consume me to the point where I crumble completely and I question whether I want to be put back together or not. I don't ever want to do it myself. I want so badly for someone to come along willing to do it that it physically hurts.
For the first time in my life, I want to actually look at my behavior and take a step back to try to control it. I want to stay pretty calm all the time and I don't want to feel like I'm just a ball of emotions. I'm 23 years old for fuck sake and the time for being attention starved ended a long time ago.