This Was Impulsive. . . . . . .
Updated: Sep 23, 2019
Anyone that knows me knows how crazy I am about Thomas. He may aggravate the living shit out of me a lot of the time, but he really is my absolute best friend. I've been in a really dark place lately and he's been with me every step of the way, but there are some times when I feel like I treat him like shit. He's been the only thing saving me from myself. Of course my babies make me happy and keep me going, but Thomas has even been my rock when it comes to raising them. I've never had someone so amazing and understanding to be so supportive when I feel like my world is crumbling. There have been so many times where I've lashed out at him without a legitimate reason and sometimes I'm just a moody bitch and I hate it. I don't think I've acknowledged him enough for putting up with me and my personality (I'm still trying to figure it out myself).
Anyway, as I was getting the boys ready for bed last night, something in me shifted. I decided to treat Thomas how he's been treating me because I've preached way to much about if you feel the need to start treating others the way they treat you, get rid of them. I honestly felt like I behaved in a way that would result in him walking away from our marriage and I wasn't proud of it. On top of that, I decided to start this blog (totally random idea I got at 1 in the morning) to share how I feel about my mental health the way I would in a journal but so other people could know that they're not alone. Like I said, I've been in a really dark place these last few months and I still don't feel like myself. But that part is a good thing. For the last 12-13 years, depression and anxiety is the only thing I knew and I automatically took that as being my norm. I now realize how awful that is.
I've been medicated for about 3 months now for my depression and anxiety. I'm back to trying to figure out who I am, but at least it's for the better this time. I know that I don't want to be surrounded by so much darkness. I don't want to sleep all day and sit around with little to no energy because I'm depressed. It's so easy to get sucked into that hole. It's also easy to sweep it under the rug and act like it doesn't exist while it goes full blown balls to the wall nuts on your mental and physical health. Before you know it, it's been days since you've showered, you've slept for 16 hours, you haven't had the appetite to even look at food because the depression has sucked all of your energy from your body. After a while, you don't care what happens to you.
The main reason why my mental health was a problem for so long was because my family refused to acknowledge it. African Americans don't believe in mental illnesses. I was always told "not to claim anything," or "just pray about it." Prayer works differently for different people and I wholeheartedly respect that, but as far as not claiming anything, you can say that you don't have cancer all day long, but if all the evidence is there, at some point you may die from cancer and denial isn't going to slow its progression or make it go away.
I'm still not as well as I would like to be, but at this point, I'm going to stay positive and hope for more progress. Positive thoughts and actions are the only things that will keep me moving forward. I have so much to live for that it blows my mind to think that I once considered taking my own life. 22 may have been rough on me, but I still have so many more years to come. That goes for anyone fighting their demons. It may seem impossible to stay positive, but when it feels like there's nothing left inside you to fight back, the tiniest bit of positivity can change that. So, find something that makes you happy. Spend time with the people that make you smile. Watch a movie that makes you laugh. Doing something outside of what you usually do on a daily basis may be what you need to pull you out of the darkness before it's too late. It really does get better. Stay safe.