Updated: Sep 23, 2019
I literally almost died laughing because of the title I chose.
But in all seriousness, I don't talk enough about my anger. People think that because you have mental health issues that it only means you're just sad all the time or tired.
Anger is the demon that everyone forgets about when it comes to mental health. Sometimes, my emotions come in stages when I've been having a hard time with my mental health. First, I get angry. And not just mad or annoyed for a few minutes. It goes into full blown rage and I can't see straight. Then, I feel hopeless. After that, I start bargaining because it physically hurts me to be pissed off about something (I can't breathe and my thoughts are racing). And finally, I just let it all go and keep it moving, patting myself on the back for choosing to not waste my energy.
My rebellious side was always blamed on an alter ego that I used just for shits and giggles (Rachel). I still crack jokes about it, but Rachel is a good way to describe it. If you've ever seen the Rage: Carrie 2 in the scene where Rachel Lang (the sister of Carrie White) blacks out and slaughters everyone at a house party (I was obsessed with the part where vines spread across her body from the heart tattoo on her arm that begins to pulsate. Then she goes into such an incredibly powerful rage and dying was the only way to stop her).
That explains my rage. I think it sums it up perfectly. I clench my jaw and fists so hard that my teeth hurt and my fingernails have made marks on my palms. I isolate myself from everybody because it feels like someone is trapped inside of my body, fighting as hard as they possibly can to claw their way out of my chest. I'm always afraid of what will happen if I don't keep them at bay, almost like it's a monster under my bed.
I've gotten better about choosing my words wisely. I wouldn't know what to do if my last words to someone were something I said out of anger. Unfortunately, I end up cussing like a sailor (my mouth is already bad enough when I'm not mad) and I've said some pretty brutal shit (when my dad is on one of his drunken rampages where he wants to call all of the contacts in his phone and say a bunch of random shit to people that he won't even remember the next day, I block his number. I know for a fact that I won't be able to forgive myself if something happens to him and the last thing I said to him was out of anger).
I haven't had to get fighting mad in a long time. I'm actually afraid of hurting someone if I ever get back to that point again (I have a lot of shit bottled up and I could probably fatally injure someone if I let it all out). That's how I feel all the time. It's like I can't even begin to control that part of myself even if I did everything in my power to stop. Once I get to that point, there's no stopping me (you MIGHT have some luck with getting Thomas or my mom to get me back on track). Mia has had to wrestle me to the ground and sit on my back, damn near choking me just so I would calm down. My 6'2, 250 pound sperm donor was even took shook when trying to restrain me from going after someone. I told him if he didn't let me go, I'd jerk out his trachea and I meant it.
I don't try to sound like a bad ass. That's not my goal at all. I've always preferred to move in silence and keep to myself. But on a sort of positive note, when my anger was revealed to the world, nobody fucked with me afterwards. I take so much shit off of people and I deal with it and move on because if I get angry enough to get started and go off, there's no telling what will come out of my mouth (I could say the same thing on a good day though) and there's no telling what I might do. It's a put up or shut up moment because if I put forth the effort and energy to get that bad, then I'm going full blown, balls to the wall, insane. At this age, I take a second to think about the consequences and I'm thankful that I have something to lose. That alone has gotten me where I am in life. I just bite my tongue and carry on because it's not worth wasting all of my energy that can be put toward work or my family and I actually have shit to lose.
Sometimes I even fight with myself if I've thought about everything I have going for me. Last year, in the middle of Huntington when it was pouring outside, a little man in a wheelchair hit a rock and flipped out of his wheelchair. I pulled over and rushed to help him. He wasn't that far away from home, so I pushed him to his house. When we got there, his granddaughter stood on the porch saying the most God awful things to him (he'd told me that she had a problem with drug abuse. Whether she was high or not, I wouldn't dare to even raise my voice at any of my elders). My memory is a little fuzzy because of how pissed off I was and I may have threatened to beat her with her own child.
Sometimes I get mad at Draven, but in a typical mom way. I would sell my soul and burn in Hell before I would take my anger out on my kids. That's why I strictly leave my work at work. A bad day doesn't make a bad life and my shitty day has nothing to do with them. I get mad at Thomas and I pull myself back together and apologize as much as I can because I know that he loves me and in only 4 short years, he's the only person that truly understands my emotions even when they're swinging all over the place.
I never and I mean NEVER take my problems, anger, and attitude to work. I tell my RA's (resident assistants) all the time that your raw and intense emotions need to be left at the door immediately upon entering the building. In the setting that we work in, you could come in with a terrible attitude or shitty mood and all it takes is for a resident to get a bump or a bruise and people would assume that you took your anger out on their loved one. Honestly, if it's a big enough problem to distract you from a job where people need your undivided attention, the best thing to do would be to go home. It would cover everyone's asses and nobody would get hurt. I know that it's hard to separate home from work sometimes, but being mindful with your actions will save your ass in the long run.
When I say that I'm a demon when I'm angry, I truly am. I'll grab the first thing I can get my hands on and light somebody up. My body gets hot and I get sweaty to the point where it feels like someone set me on fire. It's caused me to stick by, "right is right and wrong is wrong," and also, every action doesn't deserve a reaction.
I even got out of the habit of wanting to immediately put my hands on someone during an argument (me and my sperm donor would fight like cats and dogs, but he never laid a hand on me. I was always the one that took it that far and I'm ashamed of that, but the past is the past).
Recently, I've been burning sage when I get fired up and it actually helps. I always knew that people did it to ward off bad energy and it's actually been pretty helpful. I've been using incense which has made me feel a little more relaxed. I've felt really emotionally overwhelmed for the past month or so and my days and nights are pretty much blurring together. It sucks, but I'm slowly but surely trying to find different methods to keep me calm, cool, and collected. I really hope that I can find something more permanent.