New Year's resolutions should be reserved for carefully thought out plans to make sure you live a long and happy life. When a new year rolls in, it's time to grow. Nobody wants to be stuck in whatever situation that they may hate and nobody wants to settle and spend the rest of their life feeling regret.
It's been a little depressing when I think about the last few years when someone always died on New Year's Day. I was terrified this year, mostly because the deaths occurred back home and my dad and brother are back there. Luckily, Daddy called me that night and let me know that he was sober and he was going to bed before he could even bring in the new year because he had to work the next day. I was absolutely shook. I had never heard him use that kind of tone before and sound so positive and confident. I was speechless. I don't want to get my hopes up thinking that he will leave his habits behind, but that was reassuring and eased some of my anxiety. We also got to talk to Shakur and since he's been making so much progress with getting his life together to live as an independent man, it was reassuring to hear him sound so excited about starting a new job and getting his life back on the right track.
In today's news on social media, Jeffree Star and his boyfriend Nathan recently broke up (I know that this seems off subject but bare with me). I'm currently watching his video explaining how hard things have been for the both of them and experiencing so much loss and pain and parting ways to get their minds together. I usually don't keep up with stuff like this, but I saw people posting about it on Facebook and the video popped up in my suggestions on YouTube (I used to be obsessed with Jeffree Star back in 2010).
He finished the video by saying that we need to take the time this year to be more loving, compassionate, and heal. He goes on to explain how anxious he really is to get back to working in order to feel better again. Like most of us, he's felt loss, drama, distractions, basically a ton of shit that felt like 2019 lasted for 10 years (I felt that shit. 2019 was a dirty bitch and I'm so glad that it's dead and gone). Jeffree said that we all need to take the time to chill and focus on our own mental (he's right), he's ready for a new chapter (same), and we really need to take the time to make sure that 2020 is an amazing year for all of us. It's been rough for the last few weeks.
The part about his video that really stuck with me ties in perfectly with this post. You never know how long you're going to have with someone whether it's family or friends.
I've only opened up and told a few people throughout my life, but social interactions terrify me and give me insane anxiety. If I'm around a group of people, it takes a long time before I can be around them without feeling like they hate me. I worry about sounding ridiculous when there's a discussion or conversation going on. I replay stupid shit that I said over and over again in my head an beat myself up for it.
I'm terrified of going out in public to hang out with a group of people because I'm afraid that I might get tired or they might leave me behind because I'm strange and boring.
The biggest thing that really takes the cake is the fact that talking to people whether it's in person, on the phone, or through texts is my main source of anxiety. I don't even know how that happened. I used to be like every other young girl and I'd love to stay on the phone with people for hours and text someone from sun up to sun down. Now, if I pick up the phone wanting to call someone, whether it's a friend or a loved one, I get nervous. I usually end up talking myself out of it and when I decide that I'm not going to do it, I end up in tears. I regret how many times I've avoided messages and calls from friends and family just because I was incredibly anxious.
I want everyone to know that if you've ever tried to contact me and I haven't responded or called you back, I'm deeply sorry. I just have that weakness and I'm finally at a point where I'm sick of it. I don't know when someone I love might take their last breath. I just know that the regret will eat me alive when it finally happens.
So, I'm not going to go on saying, "New Year, New Me." I just want to make a huge change in how I show people that I love and appreciate them. I want to reach out to family and friends and make sure they stay up to date about what's been happening with me and how the boys are doing. If someone is having a hard time, I want to reach out to them and let them know that they're in my thoughts and I really do care about them. I want to show all of the important people in my life that I love and appreciate them. I want to encourage my friends and family to succeed at anything they set their minds on. I simply want to open up and be that person that people enjoy hearing from instead of being surprised when they do finally hear for me. I want to check in on people just so they know that they haven't been forgotten about. I don't want to continue being a shut in. Life happens, but I want to do more with the people I care about.
I'm starting to realize that I have no reason to be terrified of social interactions. That's just one of my irrational fears that comes with my anxiety. I've been on Wellbutrin since October and it's helped, but I realize now that the medication isn't the only thing that's going to make me feel better. I have to make changes in my life to make sure that I feel happy. If I'm happy then I feel like everything else will fall into place.
It feels like my life for the last few months has gone to shit and I've dealt with more stress than I would have liked to, but those things won't change unless I get off of my ass and do something about it. My medication can change me emotions only slightly. Changing my routines, diet, exercise level, sleep schedule, and all other environmental factors is the only way that I'm going to get to where I really want to be.
So, if I've asked for your address or phone number in the last few weeks, be expecting a letter or picture letting you know how the boys are doing. Expect a card on the holidays or your birthday just because I'm glad that you got to see another year and the fact that you're still alive makes me happy. I'm going to try the best that I can to keep on pushing to where I interact more with people, take more trips to visit, and just sit back and listen to someone vent every once in a while and try to offer as much support and help as I can. I would want people to do these things for me, so the time for me to reach out and give others what I would want is long overdue.