I feel like every single hangover that I dodged as a teenager is hitting me today. I've come to the conclusion that I"m developing my father's inherited health problems. People stress me out, make me angry and worked up, and then I get sick. Every time I get sick like this, it knocks me on my ass completely. I can't and never have been able to bounce back. I feel like I've hit rock bottom in a shitty situation and I don't realize that things need to change until I realize that I could have taken a turn for the worst and died.
I can't deny that I don't take care of myself. I smoke like a freight train, I consume up to 400 mg of caffeine on a daily basis, I only eat junk food, I'm supposed to be on blood pressure medicine, and I take at least 100 mg of Benadryl every night just to turn my mind off to go to sleep. I do it all just to keep on pushing through to take care of my boys and everything else. I'm slowly killing myself off when I don't want to or mean to. I have a total one track mind at this point in my life. My goal has been to keep pushing until me and my family are comfortable and I become blind to the decline in my health until it has nothing left to do but bring things to a hault.
I was actually pretty fucking terrified the other night. When I realized that I really couldn't drive and I just had to sit there in my car in the dark, I started to panic. I thought that I was never going to make it home. I didn't want to cower and have to ask my mom or Thomas for help when I was so sure from the very beginning that I could handle it. Of course they didn't rip my ass for being stubborn even after making sure I was alright.
I'm really still tripping off of how scared I was when I saw how dark it was when I've always been terrified of the dark. I also felt like a little kid that wondered too far away from home. I felt like I failed stupidly even though everyone was just glad that I as alright. I want to let it go and brush it all off, but the whole situation was completely out of my own comfort zone and I ignored every bit of help and alternatives that were offered to me. I thought that that taking a Stacker and drinking a Redbull would do the trick and help me make the drive back and forth. I didn't even leave Huntington until four in the evening when I should have had enough sense to leave earlier in the day. I also didn't even try to consider staying overnight, so I didn't pack any bags for us.
My impulse control used to be next to not having any at all and they would only ever affect me. That's how I ended up with my lip pierced twice, blonde hair, and then red hair. Having no impulse control in the way I was the other night could have put Draven in danger and I really feel like shit because of it. Like I'm really beginning to feel like I need to change my medication and see a therapist. Thomas and I have both noticed that I have more manic behavior more than I have depressive episodes and I'm probably being treated for just depression and anxiety when I've got much more going on.
Sometimes I feel like I'm losing my mind and it's incredibly distressing because I can't find a way to express it and I can't always stay occupied to pull myself back together. I never really know how to explain it, but it often feels like I'm a can of soda being shaken up and exploding when it all comes out. I end up lashing out at anyone close to me or anyone that I'm talking to (but I always make sure that I never lash out at the boys. I never even want them to see me like that because I don't want them to think that their mom is weak or crazy."
The Celexa helps, but only enough for me to not get so bent out of shape about little things. It feels like it's nowhere near being strong enough to keep the bigger demons at bay because once I get started, I can't stop or snap back to reality. It's exhausting and while medication isn't always the answer, I'd do anything for just the slightest bit of relief. I'm seriously always being tortured by my own mind and that makes up for a huge portion of my daily battle.