Updated: Sep 23, 2019
My brief hiatus is over (for now)!!! I was set on completing my story and it was the therapy that I needed. I've been in a really shitty place here lately and it's left me and my life completely scrambled. I almost feel like I don't even know who I am anymore. I've been angry about it, I've laughed, cried, and I've tried to be as mature as possible and I'm actually proud of the progress I've made and how I handled all of it.
I used to think that my greatest heart break came from finding out that my best friend of 3 years only wanted to string me along and get into my pants without any intention of pursuing a future with me (I was fucking crushed. Twice).
As much as I've always hated to admit it and brush it off like it was absolutely nothing, my greatest heart break has always come from watching drugs turn someone I loved and adored into an absolute monster. I never really realize how much someone has hurt me until I've gotten to the point of wanting to cause them physical harm. That's not good at all. Especially when I live in constant fear of blacking out one day and actually hurting someone. I did pretty good for the most part and I was able to calm myself down a lot quicker than I've been able to in the past.
I thought the world of this person for so long (they shall remain nameless, but just know that there are so many people in my life that have treated me like shit and I still try my best to see the good in them). I talk a lot of shit on a daily basis and I may seem like I have a short fuse, but really, I hate confrontation. I hate it when my heart races, I can't see or hear, and I can't think logically. My anger completely consumes me and I don't like who I become. After everything calms down, I'm usually in tears because I go back to seeing the good in them and I can't believe that I actually wanted to hurt someone I love. I hate the aftermath and hearing everyone ask what happened. I wish things like that would just go away at the snap of my fingers, but they don't. We're forced to deal with things and learn how to get through them.
I've been in a really shitty place here lately, like I mentioned before. When my mental health gets out of hand, the rest of my life around me feels like it's crumbling. I can't function. I lose my appetite and usually end up walking around like a zombie for a few days. Recently, it's only been happening when I get severely worked up and angry, scared, or anxious. I don't sleep. I walk around for weeks at a time running on only a few hours of sleep. I have to force myself to do a lot of my day to day tasks and that's actually not a bad thing. The way I see it is if I'm still willing to make the effort to push through my cloud every single day, then that counts for something. I haven't taken my Celexa in a hot minute (since Draven had pneumonia back in March to be exact) and that's something that people generally frown upon. I know that you're not supposed to go off of your medication just because you feel better, but I don't want to take medicine just to feel okay. It feels like I'm just cheating and a drug is keeping me from feeling the things that I'm supposed to feel. I know that if I get too dependent on a medicine, my life will be in shambles once again if I go off of it or run out. It's basically a mask and I don't want to wear it.
It's scary because I fall into the fog of my depression and neglect my needs without even realizing it. I can be starving and ready to throw up before I realize that it's been at least ten hours since I last ate. By that point, I'm weak and I have a headache, but I carry on and brush it off because I can't stand the smell of food. I usually end up smoking a cigarette and going to sleep. Sometimes when my anxiety or anger gets really bad and I'm too wound up to even think straight, it immediately kills my appetite and sometimes I completely zone out to the point where I can't see or hear anything that's going on around me.
On the bright side, I'm able to open up and talk about the issues I've been having lately. If someone notices that I'm unusually quiet and asks what's wrong, I can actually give them a response simply because it seems like they care. If they care enough to ask, the I at least owe them an explanation. Because of that, I can take a look at myself and actually see what's wrong with me. I know that my greatest weakness is trying to see the good in everyone and giving people the benefit of the doubt all the time. I want to walk around all bubbly and act like I'm not living in a world where evil people exist. That's not exactly a good thing, but when I'm upset and pissed off, everyone can see it and like I said before, I hate explaining things to people. So walking around in a good mood with all smiles and giggles is the easiest route for me to take.
Considering the fact that the last few months have been almost a total nightmare, I can give myself a pat on the back because I'm finally to the point of not giving a shit about anyone that doesn't respect me or any of the things I've worked hard for or accomplished. I don't need to have negative people in my life just because of who they are or the place that they hold in my life. I realize now that anyone is capable of hurting me or causing me distress and instead of entertaining them and getting myself worked up, I can turn the other cheek and be totally fine with it. It's taken me a long time to get to this point, but I just don't give a shit anymore. If it's not going to benefit me or my boys, it's not worth the energy. They are my reason for living, so I should make the best of it. They deserve me at my very best and if I'm letting assholes get in the way of that, then I feel like there's no point in trying to push through it all and survive. I can't waste the time that I have when there was a point when it was almost cut short.