If I Ever Feel Better
I've had a rough time over the last few days and my emotions have been all over the place. I've been having wild manic episodes where I feel like a can of soda being shaken up. All of my emotions come out, I lash out at everyone, and I literally feel like I'm going to lose my mind. I'm fighting and that's a good sign, but I'm exhausted. I'm determined to defeat this demon once and for all, but it's taking every ounce of my energy. When you're physically tired, you can lay down, close your eyes, and fall asleep and recharge while your body does what it's supposed to do involuntarily and you sleep like a baby, only to wake up refreshed. When you're mentally and emotionally tired, you have to fight through it constantly. You don't get to rest. You have to lay in bed and wait hours before your mind will let you rest.
It's beating the shit out of me and I don't seem myself claiming a victory any time soon. I'm literally being held together by my kids, medicine, and my cigarettes. I ignored almost any and everyone that tries to contact me simply because I don't have the energy even though I know that I would enjoy the attention and the fact that someone cares. Talking to people on the outside would be a great distraction, but some days I'd rather keep to myself. I mainly want to avoid people that aren't as understanding as my immediate family members. They know that I've been bat shit crazy for years and if I lash out or burst into tears, then they know how to handle me. I'm even more annoyed now that I've ever been about random ass people trying to add me on social media and talk to me. Opening up to the idea of a relationship with someone totally brand new that doesn't know how I am will only end up with me feeling like I wasted my time.
I'm incredibly soft and I hate it because I can't use people for my own benefit like I used to do to remain numb to my feelings. I did that to keep from feeling like someone else was controlling me like I was a puppet. My mind tells me that if I let someone upset me, I'm weak and I've lost the battle. Dealing with people on my own terms and turning my back on them with no remorse when I couldn't use them anymore was my coping mechanism. The situation I'm in right now is exactly what I had been afraid of when I was younger. I never thought that I would let someone get this close to me and allow them to hurt me. I've always been afraid of getting attached and ending up heartbroken.
Keeping people at a distance was what helped me survive my teens. It gave me the confidence I needed to believe that I was more than people made it seem. That was my wall and to this very day, I'm still proud of the fact that I got to take advantage of a few people and treat them like shit before they got the chance to do the same thing to me. Seeing the pain that some of them endured from me, knowing that I could have been in their shoes, but I dodged the bullet and it gave me a high that I'll never be able to compare to anything else. It became quite addictive and sometimes I miss it. I'm too set in my ways and boring to want to go back to that. It would be a waste of time and it wouldn't help me get anywhere in life and I wouldn't feel good about myself like I used to. Overall, my mind would be too clouded from that bullshit to focus on my goals and responsibilities as a mother. Not to mention the fact that you never know what kind of bugs and diseases people are carrying and what kind of skeletons they're hiding in their closets. It's not worth it. I've waited for what seemed like an eternity to be settled down and happy with my kids and falling back into my old ways would be the same as throwing all of that away.
My life now means getting all of my confidence from putting on those scrubs and name tag every morning and looking in the mirror seeing a totally different person. I used to be that girl that behaved recklessly just to feel good and powerful. My behavior back then was risky and stupid, but I can't take it back. I've truly grown and I've become wiser. I've got a totally different and more healthy reason to feel confident and powerful and I can only be thankful that I was able to leave my deviant behavior behind when I did.