I Wanna Get Better
Updated: Sep 23, 2019
It's true what they say when people say that nurses make the worst patients. Back in November of 2018, I ended up with postpartum depression after having Devin. I always knew that there was a chance that I would end up with it based on the fact that you're predisposed to it if you've had trouble with depression before becoming pregnant. Let me start by saying that that shit is something that I wouldn't wish on anybody. I was already a nervous wreck when I went on maternity leave and only one of us was working with two kids. When he came, I had emotional breakdowns, I slept all day, and I felt like a bad mom when Devin lost weight right as my milk supply started to drop.I also ended up with my separation anxiety flaring up worse than any episodes I've ever experienced in all my life. I lost the will to do anything. I cried all the time and I'm pretty sure I went at least 2 weeks without combing my hair and I had lost my appetite completely.
At my postpartum appointment two weeks later, I couldn't even go into detail about how I was feeling without crying. They found out that my blood pressure was dangerously high. I had a little bit of a headache, so that was a clear indication to me that it was up and I was already freaking out because I had to get both boys ready for my appointment all by myself because Thomas was at work. The same thing had happened a month before I graduated nursing school when I had a headache so intense, I thought it was going to explode. My emotions were a mess and I knew for a fact that the same thing was happening again. I knew that it was simply my anxiety that was throwing my entire body out of wack. They insisted that I was probably experiencing postpartum pre-eclampsia, the first I had ever heard of such a thing, so I was admitted back into the hospital after only 10 days of bringing home my newborn. I wasn't adjusting at all. I couldn't sleep because I was so busy trying not to freak out.
I was scared. My mom couldn't get to me and we were low on money with a pre-schooler and a newborn. I felt like I was losing my grip on reality and I just couldn't accept the fact that I wasn't adjusting to such a big change in our lives. Mentally, I was fighting to adjust, but my body was about to throw in the towel because asking for help and falling to pieces would have made me feel weak. I had a pretty bad breakdown when I found out that Devin had lost a whole pound in a day and my blood pressure continued to shoot through the roof. In the middle of the night before I was supposed to be discharged, I felt another headache coming and I was nauseous. My vision became blurry and I felt like I was losing my grip on reality. I remember fighting my brain to stop and try to be coherent. I was talking out of my head and I could hardly keep my eyes open. My blood pressure made it to 180/112 and the critical reading set off alarms in my room and at the nurses station. Two or three nurses came flying in and immediately placed an IV. They were about to give me Magnesium because I was about to go into status epilepticus.
For those of you that don't know, I'll give you a quick little medical lesson. Pre-eclampsia is marked by extreme blood pressures, swelling in the limbs (the exact same thing that happened two days after bringing Devin home. My feet and legs were so swollen that I could hardly walk or put on my compression stockings to get some relief. , and protein in the urine. It can lead to eclampsia which is life threatening where you progress to having seizures because of the blood pressure and protein in the urine. They used to call it toxemia, which describes how toxic too much protein can be in your body.
I finally fell asleep after getting another dose of the Celexa and my blood pressure medicine. Laying in that hospital bed, being medicated for my mental health for the very first time in my life was a real eye opener for me. At first, I didn't want to be medicated just to be alright and be able to function, but when I was finally up to getting out of the house, I was alright with it.
So, here we are. For a while, I felt great and thought I could go off of my Celexa and I ended up feeling shitty again. I'm finally back on track and taking my medicine like I'm supposed to be taking it. I feel so much better just because it's easier for me to remain calm and just let shit roll off my back. My goal is to stay on my medicine even if I'm feeling better and document my progress for me readers. I know that a lot of people have the same problem and it's so easy to slip away from your medication therapy. When you get to a place that you haven't been in a while, you feel fantastic and think that you can stop using whatever helped you get there simply because you felt like it was controlling you. You stop and then end up feeling the same again or possibly even worse and unfortunately, it eventually turns into a never ending cycle.
So, if you're feeling like you're bat shit crazy and you're looking into medications or if you're already on medications and you're having a hard time staying consistent, my crazy ass is going to post the progress of my medication therapy every week. Hopefully this will help guide me or anyone reading in the right direction for the happier life that we all desperately crave.