Flaws and Sins
Let me start by saying that this has to be one of my favorite songs (that I do not own any rights to), even before Juice WRLD died. It's one of those feel good songs for me. Throughout the lyrics, he's obviously talking about his love interest, declaring his love and acceptance for whatever scars they have. He's saying that no matter how dark that person my seem to the rest of the world, he still sees that small speck of light and remains hopeful. The past could never push him away. This song has always made me a cry baby, and since it really makes me think about the person that I've been and the person that I am today, it really hits home.
I've been through so much throughout the last six months that it should have left me shattered. I don't know how I've been able to still roll out of bed every single day and I don't know what's driven me to try to improve my health and over all well being. I know that the main reason why I keep moving from day to day is because of Draven and Devin and honestly, they're the only people that I need to keep living for.
When I was younger, I really felt like I didn't have anyone. My abandonment issues left me feeling afraid of being alone. When someone would show an interest in me, I would constantly think about how someone could possibly want to pursue a personal relationship with someone like me. For a long time, I had no confidence at all unless I was wearing my cheerleading uniform. I looked at my acne and extra weight before I lost most of it and felt insecure because I had never had clear skin or a face without scars and I have never been able to fit a pair of jeans that were less than a size five. At one point, the scar over my right eye left me thinking that I looked like Frankenstein's Monster.
If I was in a relationship, I was incredibly clingy. Momma addressed the fact that I would fall too hard almost immediately instead of feeling out whoever was chasing after me first. I'd end up crushed every single time and she was there to catch the tears that fell from my eyes. I was terrified of being alone to the point of tolerating any kind of treatment just so that wouldn't happen and there were a few of my exes in the past that cranked up the emotional abuse like you wouldn't believe. I even had someone tell me, "You are nothing and you are nothing to me." And that was when my heart grew cold. To me, every male was exactly like both of my fathers. One was inconsistent with empty promises and the other was mean, abusive, and just didn't care about any of us at all. Unfortunately, every single guy that I've been with to this very day has been a combination of both of them with some qualities standing out more than the others.
My heart has always been set on finding someone and settling down with them so I can finally live a life where I don't have to worry about loving people and they end up leaving me. When I'd cry after a break up or because I was depressed and lonely, I always caught myself saying over and over again, "I push everyone away. Something is wrong with me. Every person that I love always leaves me." Without even realizing it, last weekend, I cried and caught myself saying the same thing.
I've always been someone that loves hard. When I love someone, I express my love constantly to reassure someone else that they can have something good and solid with me. I was always trying to prove that I was in it for the long run with temporary people. I've never been hard to please because genuine love is all that I could ever want. Material things have never meant anything to me because all of that could be stripped away and false emotions will be left exposed. If someone I was with were to lose everything, I wanted them to feel like I would still be there to help them pick up all of the pieces.
After Draven was born, I felt like I'd lost everything and when the time came to pick up the pieces, I was the only one trying to gather everything back up. My heart was set on living a life where Draven would have a solid family, but I could never be submissive and I wasn't going to tolerate inconsistency. I've always felt like love was a compromise and if something bothered me, my concerns were going to be heard.
Granny is the reason why I walked away. Even after her death, I went into nursing school remembering a conversation we had about me going back to school after graduating high school. I was whining and complaining about not going because I didn't have a car and I seriously thought I could depend on someone. Granny looked me dead in my face and said, "You need to go back to school before it's too late. You have to take care of our baby. I had an aunt and uncle that offered to pay for me to go to school and I turned it down and ended up working hard jobs that got me nowhere." And I still replay those words in my head over and over again to this day. My final words to her were, "Everything will be alright, Granny," and both of us knew what that meant. My fate had been sealed with those five little words.
Eventually, it ended up leaving me feeling like I was defective and I was asking for too much. It felt like the split was all my fault. I tried to hold someone too close and they pulled away even more. I made the decision to put an end to an emotionally draining cycle. Not long after, I fell twice as hard as I did the last time when it came to someone that knew me like the back of his hand. That left a pretty significant scar. And then I just got up and went to work. Building a life for me and Draven was the best distraction that I had. It was what kept me from getting hurt all over again.
The same person came floating back into my life later and when I enrolled in nursing school, I wanted nothing more than to focus on building a life together for the both of us to be successful, but once again, I was the one that was left feeling defective.
When I chose Thomas over the last person, I thought I had been rescued by my night in shining armor. He held so much ambition and had accomplished so much during his time in college. Throughout the years, we've had a shit ton of problems. Again, I felt like something was wrong with me.
Things were never seen from my perspective until we faced the possibility of divorcing one another back in August. Time has passed and those days are over and are forgiven and forgotten about, they still left a scar.
While in the middle of a rampage because I addressed the fact that I was being taken for granted, I unlocked the moment in my life where all of those negative and twisted feelings that I had when it came to loving someone and having them in my life.
It may sound crazy, but yesterday when I talked to my landlord, he asked what I'd been up to and I just told him nothing but working. He had told Momma when he first talked to her that he's seen me a handful of times in the three years of us living here because I was always at work. He nodded and smiled and joked about the fact that all I do is work. He commented on the fact that it was odd that I was home so early in the day and I explained that I'd finally gotten a Monday through Friday job with good benefits and I felt like I was finally able to have a break. He said that he was proud of me and it took everything in me not to ugly cry right then and there.
We came and looked at our house we live in now, late as hell, on November 12th, 2017. By the time we got back to our old house across town 25 minutes later, I got the message that we got the place. Jim told Thomas that they chose us to live here because he ran my background check and saw where I started at McDonald's in May of 2013 all the way to when I was working at the Village and they knew that I was a good, solid, hard worker. The thought of someone just looking at a piece of paper and acknowledging my progression through life always makes me want to cry. It makes me feel like I really am good a something and I have so much to show for it.
I've achieved what a lot of people have spent their entire lives trying to achieve. When I wanted to go into OB/GYN, I looked at my possibility of going to RN school and sticking it out as an LPN in nursing homes and my possibility of being stuck in nursing homes because I'd never have the right opportunity to go back to school. But that's when my dream job fell in my lap and I snatched it up.
Now, I know my worth. I've spent so much time going through life wanting other people to love me when I should have been working on loving myself. I can finally say that I do love myself. My trauma doesn't have to show and I don't have to feel like someone will turn away from me because of my flaws. I'm a BIG BEAUTIFUL BONA FIDE BRAT, and by that, I mean that I give a lot and you better believe that I ask for a lot in return. I'm not a little girl that cries when she doesn't get flowers and feels lonely on holidays anymore. I'm a woman that can't wait to take care of my bills and my kids and I'll just go buy my own fucking flowers or pay to get my own nails done. I don't feel discouraged when I don't have a single dollar in my bank account because my kids are taken care of and they have a roof over their heads with utilities, food, and clothes.
I'm not a woman that you can tell me what you think I want to hear. I need to see action. I'm loud. I love sleeping in the freezing cold in my house. I love riding around with my stereo turned all the way up. I sleep like a rock. I eat like a bear going into hibernation for the winter. I demand for my wants and needs to be met once the boys are happy. I fall asleep with Heather Langenkamp and Patricia Arquette being chased by Robert Englund every night or sometimes Neve Campbell being chased by Skeet Ulrich in Scream. I don't give a shit, it makes me happy and I treat my house like my sanctuary and I want things to go MY way because I've worked for it and I deserve it.
As for my past, my scars may not be completely healed, but I don't look at them like they are my weakness. I have toxic traits. I can have a terrible attitude and a mouth that is out of control because I speak my mind. But those scars and the wicked little things that happened in my past have given me the beautiful personality that I'm proud of. I love myself and that's all that matters. I don't see the darkness in my soul that used to terrify me and make me feel like this life wasn't worth continuing. I see the light that shines on everything I have now that makes me glad to wake up every day. I'm finally going to hang onto my life and be in it for the long haul. I don't need anybody to accept my flaws, sins, and scars from my past. I love myself and choose to have certain people in my life and that's all that really matters to me anymore.