Eaten Alive (Part 1)
Updated: Sep 23, 2019
A lot of times, people aren't aware that they have depression because they're so consumed with anxiety making them feel on edge and nervous all the time. Their anxiety is so out of control that they end up thinking that they're just exhausted because they're panicking all the time. Depression gets overlooked. They feel hopeless because they can't do anything but worry. The fear that comes with anxiety is paralyzing, especially when you're constantly thinking of the worst possible things that can happen. You can't function and you can't run away from it. At times you can distract yourself or take some time to try to relax, but eventually it doesn't work anymore. Suddenly, you find yourself too exhausted to carry out even the simplest day to day tasks and without realizing it, you've fallen into depression. I know there were plenty of days where I was too tired to even open my eyes. Even blinking was exhausting.
Growing up, I was kind of shy. I remember being a little scared to even speak around certain people because I was so afraid of embarrassing myself. Eventually, every single encounter I had with anyone was terrifying. I was always afraid that I would embarrass myself or that someone would point out something that I was ashamed of. I was ashamed of every single part of myself. I was different.
For as long as I can remember, I was much different than everyone else. By everyone else, I meant the other black kids that I grew up with. I loved reading (when a lot of them saw me with a book in my hand, they looked at me like I had sprouted a second head), I loved different types of music (Helena by My Chemical Romance will always be apart of the soundtrack to my life), and I loved different movies. All of those things were what made me who I was, but I couldn't enjoy them because of my anxiety. I didn't want anyone to judge me. I was so afraid of what people thought of me because I was scared of losing my "friends".
I thought that everyone was mad at me all the time. I was worried about what other people were thinking about me. If you would have asked me if I could have one super power, what would it be, I would have wanted the ability to read minds. Sometimes it ate at me so much that I would have to isolate myself. It wasn't much of a difference because I always felt lonely. School was the absolute worse because we always had enormous crowds from middle schoolers and high schoolers sharing the cafeteria for breakfast when we got off the buses and lunch in the evening. Every day, I would shake uncontrollably when I finally made it through the lunch line with my tray. There were plenty of times where I'd have to escape to the bathroom to catch any tears before anyone noticed.