Chapter 5: Decoy
Andy had done the one thing that everyone thought was impossible: he had me, Angel Dawson, tamed and wrapped around his finger. Everyone thought we were on the verge of a full blown relationship, but even though I enjoyed phone sex on a nightly basis and making out here and there, that didn't mean that I wanted to be in a full blown relationship with him. I hoped that he could see that without me having to bring it front and center for him to see. Relationships were shitty and I had Alex to blame for that. He wanted me to act like I was in a relationship with him while he roamed around the county freely. It often left me feeling trapped and tied down and I hated every single minute of it. I didn't have any love to offer anybody because someone decided to ruin it for me completely.
My mind was racing the entire day and I was truly worried about leading him on. I had to be honest with myself. The only reason why I even let him talk to me was because Alex was away and I was lonely. Andy was a good guy and even when I felt like I was the shit, I felt like shit because I knew that he was going to be heartbroken. I didn't know if I was just being paranoid, but when I looked at the faces of my classmates in the hall, I got the feeling that they knew some big secret about me and I was left in the dark.
I clutched my books to my chest as I pushed through the crowd with my head held high, not letting the stares and possible whispers get to me. I was my own worst enemy when it came to my paranoia and anxiety. Usually I would smoke a blunt to get rid of the anxiety for the day, but when I came down from my high, the anxiety would disappear, but the paranoia ended up being ten times worse.
I had to give myself a pat on the back when I finally made it to my locker. It took everything in me not to snap and scream at everybody, demanding to know what the fuck they were looking at. "Just three more classes and you're home free," I said to myself. I took a deep breath and closed the door, only to come face to face with Andy. He was just too adorable and it hurt. "Hello beautiful," he said with a wide smile, "I've been looking for you all day. You're not avoiding me, are you?" he asked jokingly. I was trying not to panic because that's exactly what I had been doing. The more people saw us together, the more they were going to talk and I didn't want anyone thinking that I had gotten myself into a relationship.
His smile faded when he saw that I wasn't smiling back. "What's wrong?" he asked, reaching for my hand. I tensed up and he pulled his hand back. "I like you and all, Andy. But, I don't want a relationship. I know we've gotten close and things have been getting a little hot and heavy between us, but I don't want you to get the wrong idea. Relationships aren't really my thing," I said, surprising myself. I didn't think I would have the courage to just come right out and say what needed to be said. That was definitely something to be proud of even though I felt like shit. "You've heard what people have been saying?" he asked, raising his eyebrow. "Not exactly, but that's just not my thing," I said with a shrug. He nodded, processing my rejection. "I never wanted to hurt you and I'm sorry if you got the wrong impression. I should have been more careful." Any other time and with anyone else, I would just be a bitch and tell him to suck it up. Andy didn't deserve that, but there was no way in hell that I was going to be tied down.
"No, it's okay. I'm totally fine with that," he said. My eyes grew wide and I was taken by surprise. "What?" I spit out. "I can understand where you're coming from and I get it. That doesn't mean that I'm going anywhere," he replied. I ran my fingers through my hair and it was probably obvious that I was confused. He was a virgin and had told me that he never came across the right person or had the right time. "But, when you talked about your virginity, you made it sound like you wanted to wait for someone that you actually wanted to be with." I was proud of the fact that I got those words out without stuttering. "Yeah, it came off that way, but if I'm going to fuck anybody for the first time, I want it to be you," he said with a smile. My entire body froze and I could feel my blood rushing to my favorite places just like it always did when I was turned on. I was shook because it happened unexpectedly. I had just heard the first and only words that made me feel significant.
He leaned closer to me, placing his lips next to my ear and it was getting harder and harder to refrain from pushing him into the teacher's lounge and fuck him silly. "I want you to take my virginity," he whispered and used the tip of his tongue to flick my earlobe before pulling away. He was being playful and I was all for it. I took advantage of the opportunity to copy him and got up on my toes to whisper something flirty. "You better stop. I didn't bring any extra panties." I flicked his earlobe with my tongue, but stayed there for a minute to suck on it. That was something that would definitely leave him wanting more.
Andy had surprised me once again, showing me that he was much more laid back than I would have ever imagined. Just like that, the bad bitch was back. It felt like fire was racing through my veins and I couldn't wait for the first opportunity to get him alone to ride him into the sunset.
The bell rang while we both stood there wanting to attack each other in the middle of the hallway in front of God and everybody. "Text me later," he said with a wink as he turned on his heels. I knew that that meant, "Text me later. You name the place and the time." I wanted to jump up and click my heels together. He knew how to turn me on without even touching me, so I was even more curious to see what he was capable of whenever we decided to finally go at it.
I watched him walk away, licking my lips at the thought of all the fun we could have.
I felt a tap on my shoulder that pulled me back down to Earth. I was afraid to turn around and get bitched at for being in the hall after the bell rang.
I decided to face the music when I was tapped again. I took a deep breath and turned around, only to find Anton and Pash standing there, leaning against the lockers. "Sorry for interrupting, Cousin," Pash said with a smirk on his face. "Yeah, I was busy if you couldn't tell," I hissed. These two motherfuckers were the last people I wanted to see right now. "More like getting busy?" Pash replied, raising his eyebrow. He knew that his comment was really going to fuck with me, but I couldn't make it obvious that I was about to have a fucking heart attack.
"What the fuck do you want? Aren't there rim jobs that you should be giving?" I huffed, placing my hands on my hips. I didn't care that Pash was gay. His sexuality was what made him the loving and funny asshole that we all appreciated. Only close friends and family were allowed to talk about it and we used to be a lot closer than what we were now.
I looked around him to get a view of Anton who was remaining silent. We very seldom had anything nice to say to each other, so it was a lot easier to just not speak to each other at all. "Funny," Pash said sarcastically, "your man is back in town. He has requested your presence," he said, pretending to curtsy. Suddenly, my mood changed and I was filled with rage. "Okay? What the fuck does that matter? What does he want?" Even Pash knew that Alex was being ridiculous and always treated me like shit. "Don't know. Don't care. I'm just the messenger," he said, holding up both hands. "He doesn't own me. He can't just come and go as he pleases and call for me to just come running," I snapped. "Like I said, I'm just the messenger," he said, shaking his head. I stood there fuming with my hands on my hips. Just when I thought things were going pretty decent for me, here came Alex, bursting my bubble. "Well, let him know that I'm no longer interested. Thanks, but no thanks," I said with a sarcastic grin. I turned on my heels with my back to my cousins and I stormed down the hall, not letting that asshole get to me.
"What did your cousins want?" Andy said randomly. I froze for a second, hoping that I misheard him. I sat the phone on top of the dryer, trying to not have a mini heart attack. I bent down and scooped up as many dirty clothes as I could gather with my tiny arms. I had done pretty good here lately with keeping everyone quiet about what I had going on with Alex. Andy didn't even have a clue. In the past, he kept to himself and talking to me was about as close as he was going to ever get to knowing what went on in the huge social groups at Mount View. The only thing he knew for sure was that my cousins and I didn't see eye to eye. We never talked and Hell had to have frozen over if we were even looking in each other's directions.
"Angel!" he shouted. I quickly picked the phone up and pressed it back to my ear. "Sorry! I'm trying to get this laundry done. I don't have anything to wear," I lied. "What did Pash and Anton want?" he asked again. I felt defeated. He wasn't going to let this go. "Nothing. Just stopping by to be assholes as usual," I continued to lie. I was hoping that he was going to change the subject. "Oh, sorry. It looked like Pash had something pretty serious on his mind," he replied. "No. Pash is just dramatic," I said, rolling my eyes. I was getting annoyed and he wasn't taking the hint that I wanted to change the subject about my cousins.
"Well, do you want to hang out tonight? It sounds like you want to get your mind off of them," he offered. I was far too aggravated to try to listen to what he had to say. If he didn't have any intentions on taking my clothes off, I wasn't going for it. "Depends on what you had in my mind," I said seductively. He chuckled. "I was hoping we could just sit and talk." No fucking way. "We talk on the phone all the time," I snapped. We had already talked about not doing the whole relationship bullshit and he made it seem like he was okay with it. But the way he was acting now left me thinking that he was just putting on a brave face and telling me what I wanted to hear so I wouldn't toss him to the side. Hopefully, he was catching the hint that I didn't want to talk. My frustration was a red flag. I definitely didn't want a shoulder to cry on.
"Well, what did you have in mind?" he asked, catching me by surprise.
"You don't waste any time, do you?" Andy said with a chuckle. I ignored what he had to say. I was pissed off and frustrated and having his sweaty naked body pressed against mine was the only way to fix it. "None," I said as I pulled my shirt over my head. I made sure to wear something a little more sexy than my every day bra. When I got the steamy text that he wanted to see me, my room turned into the Victoria's Secret fashion show and my wings were ready for whatever came my way. I took my time, flinging open my closet as I stood in the mirror naked trying to figure out the perfect thing to wear for taking someone's virginity. I was pumping myself up too much for this, but the thought of having his virtue under my belt only made me want him even more.
My lips smashed furiously against his and I could tell that he was a little tense because he couldn't keep up with me. I snuck out to see him with one purpose and I was going to get what I wanted. I was hardly giving him a chance to breathe. It felt like I was about to spontaneously combust because my body just couldn't keep up with my mind. My hands couldn't take his clothes off fast enough. I pulled mine off so fast, you would have thought that I just strolled outside butt naked. Seeing his face at a time like this caused me to pounce on him and never have to stop. There had been an ache between my thighs as soon as I got out of the shower that wasn't receiving the proper relief and here we were.
"M-maybe we should slow down. Just to catch our breath," he stuttered. Again, his words went in one ear and out the other. My only response was shoving him onto his back in the backseat of his terribly cramped Sunfire. I was small, but it felt like I was trying to get laid in a clown car. Both of us had caught a couple of cramps before we even got started because we had to maneuver in a matchbox of a vehicle.
"Getting cold feet?" I asked with a sneaky grin. My mouth dove back to his neck and hearing him moan a few times made me want him even more. I kissed a trail down his neck, leading to his collar bone, and I could feel him shiver deliciously. "N-not exactly. I'm just nervous," he admitted. I could already tell, he didn't even have to say anything. "Alright then, just relax," I said softly. I took the opportunity to unbutton his pants. The expression on his face was priceless, but it soon looked like he was about to panic. My conscious wasn't going to let me continue. I just couldn't sit there, stripping off his clothes, when he looked like he was afraid of getting raped.
"What the hell is your problem?" I huffed. I was getting tired of his games. I thought we had had a good understanding of what this was supposed to be and now he was switching up. He stared at me, trying to read whatever emotion that I was feeling right now. It was obvious that I was getting angry and was beyond frustrated and annoyed. "Why are you mad?" he asked, sounding confused. "I thought you understood that this was going to be something with no strings attached!" I shouted. He couldn't be serious. We were about to get to something that both of us anticipated for a few weeks now and he had the nerve to wonder why I was angry.
"Angel, I'm well aware of the fact that I'm not good enough to be with you. That doesn't change the fact that I have feelings too and I don't just want to take advantage of!"This was a shitty time for him to decide to start acting like a gentleman, but hearing him say practically the same thing I always said to Alex really cut me deep. "Don't act so innocent. You knew exactly what was going to happen when I called you. Hell, you knew exactly what was going to happen when I started talking to you from the very beginning!" I argued. "You can't just spend your life wanting to sleep with just anybody because you don't want to be alone! This is exactly what this is all about. You just don't want to be lonely!" I was speechless. I could only sit there and listen to him. I failed to realize that I had been treating him the same way I had been treated and he didn't deserve that. He wasn't the one that had shattered my heart over and over again.
"I know about Alex. I know that you practically ran every time he called you. It's not as big of a secret as you thought," he snapped as he started getting dressed. Hearing my dirty little secret made me feel small, much smaller than I could have ever imagined. "You need to get your shit together before you go around trying to hurt people," he said coldly. I sat in the back seat with my hands in my lap, staring into the darkness as I gathered my thoughts. I felt disgusting. Hearing someone say that I was basically a heartless monster was more than I was ready to hear right now and it cut me deep. He continued to ramble on about his feelings, but I had grown numb. Knowing that I was acting just like Alex was enough to shut me up and make me re-evaluate my morals.
"I'll just see you around, I guess," I said. I scanned the car for any articles of clothing that I had stripped off. From the corner of my eye, I could see Andy sitting still, staring at me with emptiness and sorrow in his eyes. His words had been harsh and that surprised me, but he was also the type that couldn't stay mad at anyone for long. He was too nice to mean what he said. "You don't have to go. I'm really sorry. I just let my emotions get the best of me." I pulled my shirt over my head, still cursing myself for being so rough around the edges. "It's alright. I was trying to push you into something that you didn't want to do. This is all my fault," I said calmly. After I was completely dressed again, I sat there to meet his gaze. "Maybe we should start over," he said with a shrug. For the first time, I truly saw the innocence in his eyes and I could tell that his words were sincere. "If that's something you'd like to do. I'm not a good girl like the ones we go to school with. As you can see, I can be brutal and heartless, " I said with a shrug. He chuckled, dropping his head for a second. "I know and I don't care. I've liked you for a long time for who you are." We sat there, smiling at each other and I held onto the hope in my heart that my behavior could be different.
"I'm sorry. I really am. I didn't mean to act so," I paused for a second, searching for a word to use besides "rapey", "primal," I finished. "It's all basic biology. Your hormones can get the best of you," he chuckled. That was putting things lightly. I didn't realize that I was behaving like an animal, but I couldn't control the urge to attack him every time I thought about him being a virgin. He was basically pure and innocent. It didn't seem like it, but I could feel it. He was untouched and unmarked territory and the thought of letting him slip through my fingers was beginning to drive me insane.