Chapter 15: Anywhere
Life for me right now felt like I was in a constant wrestling match where I actually had a shot at winning the belt. Dorian was wild and daring and that fueled my reckless personality like it had never been fueled before. What I enjoyed the most was the simplicity. I didn't have to look over my shoulder to make sure that he didn't have a jealous rage brewing if he saw me speak to another guy. I could tell that he was busy curving every female that came his way, but he made it a point to not make things awkward with us. Even when we'd sneak out of class to go blow off some steam, he gave me my space and kept his distance appropriately. Some days he'd text me demanding me to wear a skirt to school only to end up with it hiked up around my hips with his head buried between my legs. Luckily we'd pick the right time to slip underneath the stairwell when the halls were empty. He would smile, lick his lips, and we'd part ways until the next time either of us were in the mood. There were no strings attached at all and I fucking loved it. Even when the soreness slowed me down for a day or two and the occasional bruises faded, I was proud of the little fling we had going on.
"How is it that no one has put a baby in you yet?" he asked as he kissed a trail down my chest. I stared blankly at the ceiling with my lust fading because his senseless rambling was a turn off. Usually I would just lay back and let him go at it while I relaxed, but tonight he was being entirely too talkative. I didn't know if that had been one of the tactics he used with other girls, but getting pregnant wasn't something that could turn me on. There's no fucking way in hell that I'd want to be tied to any of the dipshits that I'd slept with for the rest of my life. It wasn't the fact that it was one of those rare occasions where I was at his house and I was sprawled out in his bed. Being in a different place was thrilling most of the time, but the way he was acting had me ready to put my shit back on and bounce before I could even get off.
I didn't resist though. I didn't want to waste a trip even if it meant that he was probably going to annoy the fuck out of me the whole time.
"Don't act like you don't want to have my babies," he said proudly. I sat up as quickly as I could on the side of the bed and turned my back to him. His comments about having babies made my skin crawl, especially when he wouldn't shut the fuck up about it and he had his heart set on getting cute little response out of me. He wouldn't stop poking for answers and responses even when we were naked with our bodies slapping against one another. Somewhere between my filter malfunction because of a nice, mind-blowing orgasm and wishing that he would just concentrate on me, I told him what he wanted to hear. And then, all I could do was lay there looking stupid and wish that I would have just kept my own mouth shut. "Can't say that I ever really thought that much about it," I said nonchalantly as I scooped up my clothes.
"Let me know if you're coming out this weekend. There's a party in Gary," he said sounding hopeful. I stood up mostly dressed to jump around a few times to get my jeans to fit properly. "Sure," I mumbled. My hands couldn't function fast enough to pull my zipper up. I could hear him shift in the bed behind me and I was trying not to panic. "No round two?" he asked playfully. I only turned my head slightly to reply to keep from showing him my funky facial expression. "Um, I'm having some cramps. I've been popping Midol all day. I'll probably start bleeding any minute now if we keep it up. Wouldn't want to make a mess," I said with a nervous chuckle. He probably knew that I was lying and bullshitting around so I could jet. "We can always take it to the shower if we have to," he said playfully with one hand grabbing my hip. Yeah, fuck no, I was getting the fuck out of here.
"Well, if you're not feeling good, I can drive you home," he suggested after he picked up on the fact that I had ignored his shower sex comment. I froze with my hand on the doorknob. A quiet car ride from Kimball to Welch was only going to make the situation even more awkward. "It's fine. Brina is right around the corner. I'll just catch her." I was relieved that that part was true. I would have kicked my own ass if I would have had to make such a long ass trip on foot just to cover up my lie.
"I don't know. Something just seems off about it, but I can't figure it out and it's pissing me off," I huffed with frustration. "I'm surprised that you can even use your brain at all with all that fucking you've been doing. You don't wear skirts to school for nothing," she said, raising her eyebrow like she knew every little detail about my dirty little secret. She was right and I had never been so exhausted in all my life. "Give her a break. The seasons are changing and it's getting cold outside. Before you know it, everyone will be in relationships and shit. Then she'll be in a drought," Ashe said with a grin. Ashe was right too and between the two of them, I was siding with Ashe. The cold air would consume all of us as we prepared for mornings of seeing our breath as we hiked inside the cafeteria. It would be pitch black when we'd drag our asses off of the buses.
The change in the weather practically had everyone fucking pre-gaming for Valentine's Day. It started with new clothes, shoes, and hairstyles when school would kick off up until the end of August. After spending a few months spread out all over the place, going back to school was like seeing new faces all over again. Football games were spent flirting and playing cat and mouse. By the time Christmas rolled around, social media was flooded with sickening sweet presents and temporary traditions were established. Valentine's Day would come with the school hauling around giant cards, teddy bears, and flowers. When the snow finally melted with the flowers beginning to bloom again, some if not most of those relationships fell apart. Some fell apart when the school year came to an end and the ones that managed to hold it all together throughout the summer were preparing to become parents when school resumed in the fall. It was a never-ending cycle that any of us could have fallen victim to. Even those of us that tried to avoid it eventually became brainwashed by the idea of finding a soulmate and fell into the trap.
"Is there a place that you haven't fucked him? I'm convinced that you're trying to break a world record," Ashe said proudly. As she wrapped a stray piece of my hair around the curling wand, my sex flashbacks were giving me goosebumps. I thought about the night he asked me about my past with Alex. I explained how I caught him with his dick in Tiana's mouth. After telling the story, we got lost in every single part of each others bodies parked in his dad's Durango in the spot where I found them. A weekend at the movies that was packed with almost everyone from school because there were no parties going on ended with my bare asscheeks exposed to the cool nighttime air while my torso was hanging over slab of concrete in the old parking building. Anyone else would have called me crazy and Dorian and I were still trying to keep our friends with benefits status in the dark, but who wouldn't want to brag about having sex in the very first memorial building in the United States?
"Aren't you happy?" Ashe said and paused for as second as she and Brina both waited for my response. "I am. But you both know me better than I know myself. You know how I am. I think he wants more and I can't give that to him." I shifted in my vanity chair and still managed to be uncomfortable. I was all for hooking up whenever he wanted to, but a relationship was out of the question. For years, I've always been involved with someone and as time went on, I always wanted that title that came with having a boyfriend. Now, I could actually visualize that path I was heading down where I would feel like I always had to be in a relationship just to make me feel like I was okay. "I really just want to rock with someone without Alex being the black cloud hanging over my head." I planned to be more than careful with Dorian than I was with Andy. I wasn't going to waste time opening up my heart again and end up hurting him or myself.
"Fuck it! Fuck em' and forget em'!" Brian spit out. "That's what they say about us anyway!" Her comment completely took Ashe and I by surprise. WE both looked at her like she was a baby that had just said it's first words. "Shit Brina. I thought you were the saint of our little trio," I said with a grin creeping across my lips. "Shut up! I can't change you two heathens. Might as well join you. You assholes never listen to me anyway."
The three of us put the finishing touches on what we were preparing to step out in and I couldn't ignore the warmth growing in my chest. Their talks were exactly what I never knew that I was missing. "Let's get this show on the road!" Ashe yelled anxiously. That signal that the fun was about to begin made my heart race just like it always did and I couldn't help but silently pray that moments like this would never end.
Parties in Gary were fun, but we were a lot more limited on time than we were at Raymond's. The community center wasn't as small and usually wasn't as packed because we actually had to have a few adults there and if we wanted to smoke or drink, we couldn't be inside and we had to get rid of the evidence immediately afterwards. We still had our fun, but we had to work a lot harder to keep it going. Parties in Gary usually resulted in our own little after parties once the doors were closed for the night. The only good part was being outside of Welch where we didn't have to worry about the cops riding past the building all night long.
"Cash Money takin' over for the 99 and the 2000!" I gulped down the last of the clear liquor in my cup, not getting the chance to recover from the burn because Ashe grabbed my arm and pulled me to the middle of the room where a few more guys and girls were gathering. It wasn't a party if Back That Ass Up didn't play at least once. Guys would lurk and scan the room for the best ass that suited them to stand back behind them as they bounced on their laps or they'd grab both hips and hang on for dear life and move to the beat as much as they could manage. Of course at every party there were the guys that grabbed a different girl for a different song and vice versa, some would stay glued to each other if they were known to be in the talking stage right before being in a relationship, and then there were the little packs of guys that just sat back rapping the lyrics.
But then there were girls like me and Ashe that didn't need or want a growing erection pressed against our asses to get into the music. However, I'd be lying if I said that I didn't love every minute of dancing and being watched like a stripper as my body moved to the music. It was one of the most thrilling parts about being out. With the alcohol flowing through my veins, it felt like Dorian and I were the only ones in the room and I was his private dancer. He'd been watching me like a hawk as soon as I walked through the door and he realized that I had made it.
I was totally fine with dancing just with Ashe, but his eyes never left mine. With the raging energy of at least thirty hormonal teenagers surging through the atmosphere with weed and drinks floating around and the knowledge of how good he could use his body to do whatever he wanted to my body, I was left feeling like an animal in heat. I couldn't even remember what I was whining about earlier and I was clueless when it came to trying to remember how awkward things had been the last time we saw each other. I was ready to attack him, but I was having far too much fun. This was the best kind of foreplay for me and I didn't want an immediate orgasm that would leave me exhausted and ready to go home and crawl in bed soon after.
The song faded and I was brought back to Ashe laughing playfully. My eye contact with Dorian was finally broken. "Damn! With a few more drinks, we could put you on a pole and make us some money!" she shouted over the next song as she nudged me. I was too distracted by my phone vibrating between my boobs to keep joking with her. I didn't have any pockets, so my bra was always the next best place.
I was shocked that I was even able to pick up service, but that quickly faded when I didn't recognize the number. I didn't know if he didn't think that I was hip to his bullshit by now, but judging by the time on a Friday night, Alex was probably out hunting for me. This shit was beyond old. Without giving him or his drama another thought, I tucked my phone back into my bra. I knew that the more I ignored his calls, the crazier it would make him. Hopefully he wouldn't come looking for me this time.
I looked up at Dorian again. When I laid my eyes on him and he noticed me staring, he was pulling his keys out of his pocket and he nodded at the exit with a wink. My heart burst into a sprint when he finally slipped out the door. Before I could go skipping after him, I tapped Ashe on the shoulder. I didn't even have to say anything when she raised an eyebrow and noticed that he was gone. We were both wearing the same sneaky grin. "Be safe," she said with a wink. She'd fill Brina in before the party came to an end and the two would bicker about Ashe just letting me take off on my own. We hugged quickly and I took off like a kid running out for recess.
"Skin to skin is so much better. I hate that we waited this long to try it,"Dorian said with a sigh of satisfaction. He finished buttoning his jeans and climbed back into the truck only to be hit with my thin lacy thongs what I was playfully using as a slingshot. "We've been at it long enough. I trust you." I sat back in the passenger seat with my feet kicked up on the dashboard. It seemed like we had traded bodies tonight because he never really said more than a few words and he could be a bit distant and I was in the mood to play and flirt. Since it felt like things were getting pretty weird, I was getting pretty concerned. "I've got so much shit on my mind," he said with another sigh as he sat back to rest his head. He was silent and there was an uncomfortable knot growing in the pit of my stomach. This was it. The fun was going to come to an end. At the beginning of the night, I was excited and dancing on the inside. Now, I was almost to the point of chewing my fingernails down to the bone.
I knew exactly where this was going and I was in almost the exact same scenario as the one I'd been in with Andy not too long ago. I didn't need to keep reminding myself that I'd learned my lesson. My only option was to walk away before things got messy again. My mind didn't have the capacity to handle life if things took a turn for the worst again. At least this time I kept my feelings out of the equation and I wouldn't spend the next few days driving myself insane.
I pulled my feet down, sliding them back into my flip flops as I opened up the door, preparing for the small leap out of the truck. The cool nighttime air gave me goosebumps. I couldn't help but imagine how much colder the walk home would be with me all alone. For a split second, I doubted that I even wanted to be alone at all. I didn't know what was going on with me at all. There was even a tiny piece of me that was willing to pull my feet back into the vehicle, close the door, and sit perched up in the passenger seat, staring at him with big heart eyes as he drove me home.
It actually made me think about how things would be when I did make it home. The constant emptiness that floated through the atmosphere when my parents would take off and leave me to fend for myself wouldn't bother me like it usually did. I'd probably be presented with so many gestures and actions that a normal, healthy relationship had to offer, that I wouldn't know what to do with myself. I'd have someone there to make sure I could shower safely once the alcohol settled into my system and I wouldn't have to sit in the bottom of the tub trying not to feel like I was drowning. I'd have someone to help me dry off and pull a huge t-shirt over my head to make sure I felt refreshed. And most importantly, I'd have someone to make sure that I had water and a trash can beside my bed just in case my stomach wanted to dispose of everything I consumed throughout the night. I'd have someone to tuck me in and make sure that I was cozy just like I wanted my parents to do when I was a little kid. And I'd have someone to wrap their arms around me with my head resting on their chest.
At least that's what I would want to happen.
I'd never been able to feel like I could get that from Alex. But at the same time, I didn't know if Dorian was that kind of guy either. With the crazy asshole that Alex was, I still didn't want to give Dorian a chance in the event that Alex would go into another jealous rage. I liked Dorian, but I didn't like difficult situations.
He turned his attention toward me and gently grabbed my arm before I could take off. "Angel, you don't have to leave," he said sounding like he was panicking. I looked at him over my shoulder and I could see distress written all over his face. "I do. You don't want to say it, but I know what you want and I can't give it to you," I said as I pulled my arm away from him. I may have sounded cold, but this was the best and only way to keep him out of physical danger.
I was able to land on my feet without busting my ass and I decided that I was going to have to celebrate later on. Right now, I had to hold my head high and walk away from my fantasy that had been like my own slice of Heaven.
He watched me as my hips swayed further and further away from him and I was praying that he wasn't going to come running after me like a lost puppy. This wasn't a fucking fairy tale or a romantic comedy where the guy was supposed to go after the girl and seal the deal with a kiss that made the whole world melt away. This was the sad reality of my life where I would sleep with anyone as long as they didn't attempt to go after my heart once they caught feelings for me.
Who would have thought that the boy that proudly broadcast his genitals to the entire school wouldn't be able to find the words to say that he had feelings for a girl that he was supposed to just be fucking. He was known for being single and convincing innocent girls to sleep with him just to maintain the image of being an absolute savage. The game that he'd spit at them was always ridiculously repulsive. Awe, he walked you to class every day this week? Cute. He texted you first? Classic. He called you last night just so he could hear your voice before he fell asleep? Absolutely fucking cute. The scary part was that every single year, a new group of freshmen would come rolling in and of course, they'd fall for shit like that. The targets might have been staying the same age, but he was oblivious to the fact that he was getting older.
On a weekly to monthly basis, whoever he was talking to would have to face the harsh reality that he was a straight up dog and a relationship with him was nothing but an empty promise. At one point, with me, Ashe, and Brina having our lockers on the third floor, right where the daily traffic was the heaviest, we all got front row seats to the drama that went down and we always got to see most of the action. Girl after girl after girl confronted him in that hallway, screaming and crying about finding out that he was already fucking someone else, and outraged because of all of the sweet nothings that he'd said. Hearing him tell them that he would never settle for a relationship to get stuck with just one bitch was like a fatality in a game of Mortal Kombat.
Dorian had never been in a relationship for as long as I'd known him, but I couldn't believe that crossing paths with me made him question his own morals and motives. Being wrapped up with Andy was bad enough, but dealing with Dorian and the girls that he'd slept with that were probably still a little salty, would have been much worse than anything that me, Ashe, and Brina together could have handled. We'd have to fuck somebody up on a daily basis.
I'll never know why anyone thought enough of me to want to be in a relationship with me. I came from a shitty home where my parents liked to gossip about their only daughter more than they liked spending time with her. I was probably heading toward alcoholism and if I wasn't drinking, I was completely stoned out of my mind and willing to try any drug at least once. I wanted to love and be loved. My parents had never been supportive and loving. That was the whole reason why I went searching for love in the guys that I dated and slept with. And I found my escape in one person that had the potential to give me a world where I wouldn't have to look back at the one that I came from. Not just with material things. I could have cared less about the money that Alex brought in or the things that he had. His life was filled with so much action that it would be easy for me to get lost in it all just to erase the bitter memories of my parents.
I hadn't been able to shake Alex all these years. Whenever I thought about relationships and love and a future, I couldn't picture any of it without him. Even when I've wanted to move on, I couldn't. As long as he was alive and running the streets, he would always have a hold on me.
I fished my phone out of my bra to check the time when it started to vibrate again. I rolled my eyes. My mind was too tired to even entertain any of this.
I was beginning to hike past the abandoned building that sat right at the bottom of the hill that led to my house. I had half a mind to sling my phone over the railroad tracks and take my ass inside and crash. The alcohol was beginning to wear off and I started feeling like I was being stabbed in the temple with the rest of my head beginning to throb. Tonight hadn't been as good as I was hoping for it to be before Ashe, Brina, and I ventured out into the night. Anything having to do with Alex was only going to make it worse. My plan for the rest of the night was to find Ashe and Brina to tell them that I made it home, take a hot shower, and dive in bed and crash, pretending that nothing ever happened.