Chapter 13: See U Never
Alex had only brought me out of the darkness and into his world to distract me. He'd blinded me with a false change of heart. I went on, for what seemed like forever, beating myself up for being so clueless and gullible. I was beginning to feel like absolute shit for mutilating another human being. I was sure that I was going to end up getting hurt, but with Anton's tip and the way that Alex's body responded to the comment, I had the upper hand. I just had to sit back and open my fucking eyes to see it for myself. I preferred my pain being self inflicted anyway. It was going to be a lot less painful.
I was now observing his every move and the way he acted had basically given me a sign to watch my back and realize that he'd been manipulating me all along. I didn't have it in me to shed a single tear over his lies and bullshit. I was actually pissed beyond belief. Now that my suspicions had practically been confirmed, I had to play it cool and eventually he would tell on himself and I would catch him red-handed. He was already desperately kissing my ass, hoping that I didn't notice anything. His actions were only fueling a fire and he had no idea that he was about to get burned.
I took to heading home every night even when he begged me to stay or begged to come with me even if it was just for a few hours. Staying under his roof and sharing a bed with him would have made me look like a dumb ass. The way people acted in school made it easier to see that there was someone else in the mix of our relationship. Sometimes he'd blow up my phone constantly only to suddenly stop like he had dropped off of the face of the earth. He would try to pass his disappearances off as being business related. I knew better. The only time he'd do that was when he'd take off and go down south and I already knew that his trips out of town would be put on hold for a while. Even when he did go out of town, he'd prepare me for his departure. He was so bad at trying to be sneaky that it was actually pathetic.
He was only dogging himself a bigger grave. That part didn't bother me at all. Trying to find out who it was would be the death of me. I would often lose my focus trying to as a million questions that left my brain scrambled. Who was she? Was she prettier than me? Was she skinnier than me? Was her ass bigger than mine? Did her parents have money? Why wasn't I good enough? What did she do for him that made him turn his back on me? Did she know about me? Which one of them made the first move? Was she laying in his bed at night? Did he love her?
Ashe and Brina were pissed off at my behavior. They say what all of this was doing to me and they figured that I would have learned my lesson by now. They had hated Alex for as long as I could remember and they still made it a point to remind me. A part of me could see things from their perspective. They cared about me even when I abandoned them for a guy that treated me like shit. They had no problem with standing in the shadows to let me figure all of this out on my own. They definitely didn't have a problem with saying 'We told you so,' when it was all said and done. They never liked our relationship, but they were always there to support me no matter how distant I'd be from them.
"Fuck it. Just do you. If you keep trying to find out who she is, you're just going to worry yourself to death," Brina said as she puffed on her cigarette. I say Indian style in the back seat of her car with my lips forming a tight seal around Ashe's favorite pink bong. Ashe sat in the passenger seat, anxiously waiting for me to pass it over to her. "Definitely. you'll make yourself sick. Fuck him and his bitch," Ashe snapped. It hurt to hear them suggest that I should just surrender. But the heat from the smoke filled my lungs, burning just enough to mask the heartache. "You don't deserve this shit," Brina said calmly. Between the two of them, she was much more gently than Ashe. She was the big sister in our group and she hated seeing me in so much pain.
With over a week flying by since I'd heard from Alex, not even caring enough to reach out and contact him first. Mount View was playing Bluefield in football for the first time in over five years. It was guaranteed to be the most crowded game of the entire season and Ashe and Brina weren't going to let me sit at home and sulk. We'd had the most intense pre-gaming session ever. I wasn't even sure if I was going to be able to hold my eyes open to make it to the game. With guys from Bluefield being there with females flocking to them like their lives depended on it, Ashe and Brina decided to gear up for a night of flaunting everything they had to grab the attention of every guy and be the envy of every girl. You could tell that they were from Welch and went to Mount View. A new face from another school or city always sent the females in McDowell County into a frenzy. The football field was going to be like a fucking shark tank with the new faces being the blood spreading in the water to draw them in. The girls would be ready to kill each other because of the tension that came with the competition. Luckily, we would be the few that wouldn't run around trying to find a cloud of smoke in a desperate attempt to get a buzz. That alone was enough to be our entertainment for the night.
"Ready or not, here we come," Brina said as she fluffed out her curls in the rear view mirror. Ashe took one last drag from her bong before neatly packing it away. The two of them seemed like they were getting nervous and that wasn't a good sign for me. I wasn't entirely sure how to feel and I hoped to be able to lean on them for strength if I needed to. They were bringing me out with them so I could unwind and after thinking about it for a few more minutes, I finally realized that I had to chill. Chilling seemed like it would be impossible throughout the last few days, but I needed to do it. The stress was killing me slowly because it was unnecessary. Tonight was a night for me to let it all go and live in the moment just to have fun. Alex didn't care about me, so he didn't deserve any more of my energy or attention.
I'd laughed until there were tears in my eyes, yelled during every attempt that our players made to score, and I had just scarfed down my fourth hot dog, chasing it with an ice cold Mountain Dew. I probably looked like I was trying to win an eating contest with the satisfaction of being full making me crave nicotine. I'd been enjoying myself for a little over an hour, so I felt like I earned at least a cigarette or two. My eyes scanned the open space in front of the concession stand and then I was finally able to spot Brina. I practically skipped over to her and she looked awfully confused by my enthusiasm."You good?" she asked loudly over the crowd roaring once again. "Hell yeah! I can be happy and have fun!" I said, grinning from ear to ear. She cracked a smile, "usually this much enthusiasm comes before and after an orgasm," she joked. "I'm not even thinking about getting penetrated tonight. I just came over to borrow a cigarette," I said with a few chuckles between my words. Brina was definitely relieved and she pulled the pack out of her back pocket along with the lighter and placed them both in my hand. "Smoke as many as you need," she said with a smile. She knew that she never had to worry about me murdering her pack because I wasn't really a smoker. I only ever smoked one or two when I'd come down from my high, still full from having the munchies, but that was never enough to warrant me buying and smoking a whole pack on my own.
I shuffled through the crowd trying to make it outside the gate and I was beginning to get frustrated like I always did when it came to being tiny. I was always getting trapped in a huge crowd because of my size. I was surprised by the fact that I didn't start smacking, punching, and shoving bodies out of my way fast enough. But no matter how bad I wanted to, I stayed calm. Tensions were always high at these games and all it took was a single punch to cause a riot. With the entire stadium as packed as it was, a riot would have been an absolute nightmare.
I wanted to run into the darkness for that first drag when I finally got where I wanted to be. I began to realize how much I fucking hated people and how much I hated to be touched. I'd probably need at least a dozen showers to get rid of the smell of the musty fuckers that surrounded me.
I marched as far away from the field as possible to light my cigarette when I saw how many cops were lurking around. They didn't have anything better to do than to arrest and harass innocent people carrying crumbs of weed to seek recognition from what they would play off as a massive drug bust worthy of a spot on WVVA. They ignored the psychotic addicts and murderous boyfriends and husbands in the county. They wouldn't even bat an eye at the perverted school teachers, rapists, and children that were being abused. But they'd slap a pair of handcuffs on your ass in a heartbeat just to call themselves heroes if you even looked like you smoked weed or simply because they didn't like you. Nothing was more important to them than the praise that came with anything that had to do with drugs being involved. The praise only came from the people who had witnessed the rise and fall of McDowell County that held onto the false hope that they would once again be able to live in a place that wasn't riddled with the disease that was addition. Sadly, it probably wasn't going to be eradicated any time soon.
I made sure that they wouldn't be able to get my ass on any bogus charges by walking down toward the Voc school. You couldn't see your hand in front of your face unless you were standing directly under one of the random street lights, so you definitely couldn't spot someone smoking.
People hardly used the entrance because of the narrow shoulders and fucked up pavement, so I really didn't have to worry about anyone running me over by accident. The crater sized potholes served the perfect purpose by acting as speed bumps when people would come rolling through. The cool air of the night enveloped my arms and belly that were left bare because of the lacy black off the shoulder crop top I was wearing. My legs and feet were warm because of the thick black leggings and my leather combat boots. I loved summer and fall, but the transition from one season to the next was bullshit when you lived in West Virginia. The mornings would be cold enough to justify wearing a fairly thick coat. You never knew if you were going to see a little frost on your windows. But by the end of the day, loading onto the buses felt like tracking through Egypt during an extreme heat wave. You'd be drenched in sweat by the time you reached your bus stop. It wasn't uncommon to struggle in the mornings when you got dressed. Almost everyone looked confused by what they were wearing and it would stay that way until Fall was in full swing and it was finally time to fall in love with boots and hoodies for the rest of the year. I pulled the elastic hair bow out of the bun sitting on top of my head, allowing my locks to tumble onto my shoulders to give me a little warmth. That added to how refreshing my walk was at the moment. I slowed down my pace, placing the cigarette between my teeth, waiting for the flame to ignite from the lighter. The ember flickered in the dark as I cupped my free hand around the flame to protect it from the breeze until smoke finally started rolling from the open end. That was truly the icing on the cake. I was led a few more feet in the darkness, leaving the final street light behind me as I approached the houses that lined the mouth of the strip. It was still dark, but not as dark because of the lights illuminating through the windows. The faint orange glow brought me even more peace and I didn't even care how far away from the stadium I had gotten I was surprised that I didn't bother worrying about it. It was best to just keep going and keep my head clear. The sound of frogs and crickets echoed through the trees. I took another stage from my cigarette and closed my eyes, feeling even more satisfied than before. Upon opening them, I saw that I was walking through a darker part of the strip again. More than a few irrational fears floated through my mind and I was getting anxious to make it to the source of the light in the distance. I had a bad feeling and I was becoming more afraid of the dark than I'd ever been in my entire life. As I got closer, I was back to feeling good. I could have ran to the light. My nerves were heading back to where they belonged. I took note of the sound of frogs and crickets being mixed with the sound of satisfying moans. I was getting closer and I was able to figure out what the sound actually was. I giggled at the thought of two underclassmen slipping away from the game and into the darkness to unleash their raging hormones on each other. I continued to smile, fondly remembering how I used to be in their shoes and when the hunger from your hormones hit you, there was no fighting it no matter how strong you thought you were. My eyes adjusted to the darkness, accommodating the tiny speck of light that grew larger the closer I got. The means coming from the couple in the distance were getting louder. I was a little embarrassed by the fact that I was basically committing voyeurism to the point where my ears, cheeks, and neck started to heat up and burn like fire. I didn't know what I was going to say or do when they realized that someone had stumbled upon them. Was I supposed to apologize for interrupting them? Or should I just walk by and pretend like I didn't see them if they didn't see me? I swear, with all of the brand new situations and experiences that had been thrown at me here lately, I was positive that I was going to find a gray hair soon if I didn't snap and lose my shit in the meantime.
With nervous hands, I lit another cigarette. I suddenly got the idea that I could have easily turned around to head back to the game. I wasn't entirely crazy about the idea. I was having too much fun by myself where I was finally able to get lost in my thoughts without crying like a little bitch. Finally, I decided to just say fuck it. They were out in the open and people were bound to see what they were doing. It wasn't like I used a ladder to spy on them through a bedroom window in the middle of the night. I didn't even give a shit anymore after giving it some more thought. The couple was insignificant, but this particular situation told me to be selfish and not worry about what everybody around me was doing.
My head was held high and I was careful to pick my feet up to avoid embarrassing myself by being clumsy. I was getting closer to the couple with my stomach quickly forming more knots. My eyes adjusted enough to see that the light source was coming from a flashlight on a phone, but because of the glare and the great distance remaining between me and them, I couldn't collect any other details. That only made my feet carry me further.
Now I was about to make out the figures and the sight of a girl on her knees, connected to the guy's crotch was definitely worth laughing about. I kept puffing on my cigarette with my curiosity driving me insane. I inched closer to them thinking of how stupid they were to be doing something so private in a place like this. I wasn't the most conservative person in the world, but I'd never be okay with sucking a dick out in the open for everyone and their mother to see. You had to be pretty fucking sexually starved if you couldn't wait until you and your partner were able to get any privacy.
From where I was standing, it was obvious that he was filming her and as sickening as that seemed, she was obviously performing and didn't give a damn. This shit blew my wig back and made me feel like all of my own kinky sexual encounters were pure vanilla. Home girl was definitely putting my skills to shame because I'd never be that bold. I found myself practically taking notes and taking drags from what was left of my cigarette. It was creepy to be standing there gawking, but I was too fascinated to go on about my business.
She took her mouth off of him with a loud pop. "Tell me I'm better than her," she begged as she tugged on his junk like her entire existence depended on it. The knots in my stomach tightened even more, giving me the impression that something bad was about to happen. I couldn't turn to leave. Neither of them even noticed me standing there. "So much better. She's nowhere near as good as you," he mumbled as he let his head fall back.
"Well, I'll be damned," I whispered to myself. How was it that every time Alex and I crossed paths by accident, I was either going to get hurt by something stupid that he was doing or he wanted to make an attempt to resolve our problems when I was ready to murder him. The sad part was that I couldn't even get upset about it because I expected to find him like this some day. He was finally caught red-handed. Anton's hint didn't steer me in the wrong direction after all. I didn't give a shit about whatever we had going on, but it was time to burst his bubble and prove just how stupid he really was.
I let out a chuckle loud enough to let them know that I was there. "Bravo," I said dramatically, "That was one hell of a show." I couldn't hold back my laughter. It was for the best. I had to laugh in a situation like this so I wouldn't turn into a fucking psycho.
The two of them shrieked and separated. That made it even more hilarious. Remaining calm was putting the fear of God in them, especially Alex, because we'd never had this happen in what couldn't be called our relationship. I was too calm and I'm sure that he was thinking that the two of us were about to be the subjects on an episode of Snapped. I stepped closer to get a better look at the expression on his face, not caring about the girl standing there that I couldn't properly identify in the darkness.
His eyes didn't leave mine as he fumbled with his zipper and fixed his belt. This gave me the perfect opportunity to taunt him and I was going to enjoy every moment of it. "What's wrong, Mikey?" I asked, knowing that he hated being called by his middle name, but what he hated even more than that was to be called Mikey. "You look like you've seen a ghost," I added with a smirk. I finished off the last of the cigarette that I was holding between my fingers and tossed the butt into the weeds. He was still speechless and I was willing to bet that he was trying to figure out how he was going to lie his way out of all of this. He was usually a quick thinker and it was actually pretty impressive, but he'd already cut his own throat and it was far too late. I was through with him before he could even let any words come out of his mouth.
I turned my attention toward the girl, dramatically extending my hand out to her. It was Tiana Carter. She was a nobody and you had to be pretty fucking lame to be a nobody at Mount View. I knew for a fact that we had never spoken and she probably knew what everyone had to say about me and my relationship with Alex. "Angel Dawson." I introduced myself, but my hand was still stuck out in the empty space between us. "I'm Alex's ex-girlfriend. I have to say," I paused and placed both of my hands on my hips, "that was quite the performance." She didn't speak either. Being able to give a decent blowjob must have been all that she had to offer. That was definitely the only way that she was going to be able to get any attention. Her facial features and body frame wasn't something that someone would go crazy over. She had a face that only a mother can love. She was disgusting and I'd never stoop that low. Using my mouth to get what I wanted was beyond beneath me.
A dick in her mouth was the only thing that would make her look appealing. She was the same height as me with a thicker waist and hips. Her hair was shorter than mine and we had almost the same skin tone. You could tell by the look on my face that I was praying to God that the little bit of light around us was casting a shadow on the side of her face instead of her just having enormous side burns. I was offended that a bitch with all of those fucked up features that was shaped like a sack of laundry had her mouth wrapped around my boyfriend.
"Well, I'd love to sit around and talk, but I'll let you two finish." If looks could kill, she would have been able to murder me right on the spot. I took a few steps toward her, "And for the record, you could never be better than me," I said, lowering my voice as I inched closer to her. I took one last glance at her face, down to her torso and her legs and back up again. "Not even on my worst day." I brushed my shoulder against hers to intimidate her and dared her to react so I could drag her ass all over the damn county. She didn't budge. I marched off without wasting anymore of my energy on either one of them. I was always afraid of how I would act when the day finally came for me to walk away with my head held high. I always imagined that it was going to be a lot harder to do.
I'd flown through my journey back to the football field with I picked up service again for a call to come through. It was Brina and she and Ashe were probably looking high and low for me. "I'm coming. I ran into the last fucking person I wanted to see tonight, but it was worth it," I said reassuring them that I was alright. "Oh God," Brina groaned. "It's all good. I caught him with his mystery bitch just like I knew I would. It's finally over."
"Well who the hell is it?!" she and Ashe yelled into the phone. I continued to hike breathlessly back down the strip handling the aftermath of the drama much better than any of us expected. "Tiana. It was Tiana Carter." The two of them gasped followed by Ashe making a gagging sound. "Gross! That bitch has a whole beard!" I heard Brina suck her teeth. "Who the fuck would walk around with half a beard, Ashley?!" she snapped back. A smile was beginning to form on my lips. I was glad that the three of us were finding humor in the situation. That was probably the only thing keeping us from loading up in Brina's car to find out where she lived to drag her ass. None of that was necessary. He was more at fault than she was. It was his loss and I refused to run around fighting every girl he threw his dick at. I didn't have it in me anymore and that wasn't going to change.