Chapter 12: Way Back When
"Secrets I have held in my heart, are harder to find than I thought. Maybe I just wanna be yours,
I wanna be yours, I wanna be yourssss!" I swayed my hips to the music and sang along in the
most carefree way that I could imagine.
"Would you let me be your vacuum cleaner?" Danny asked playfully as he laughed at my
performance. "And let you breathe in my dust," I said with a wide smile. The wind drifted through
the French doors of the condo and filled my nose with the aroma of sand and salt water. It only
made me get even more lost in the song. "God, I love this song!" I shouted. "I'd say so. You've had
it on repeat for over two hours," Danny chuckled. "Don't laugh at me like I'm a kid!" I scolded him
playfully. "I'm not. I just love seeing that smile on your face."
The song ended and as it prepared to start up again, I decided to make an attempt to be sexy.
I stepped toward the bed, swaying my hips again. As the lyrics started I placed my hands and
knees on the bed, crawling slowly. He looked at me with one eyebrow up. He was catching onto
what I was doing. I crawled up the bed, then his body and I climbed on top of him to straddle him
as I went in for a kiss.
Like always, kissing him made it feel like fireworks were going off in my chest. He was always
slow and sensual. He always took his time to make sure that I was comfortable.
"Who are you and what did you do with my girlfriend?" he asked as his hands drifted up and down my thighs. Hearing him call me his girlfriend was everything I needed to pump my head up more than it already was. "I'm still here. I'm just learning to let my hair down," I said with a sneaky grin forming on my lips. I pulled my hair out of the ponytail I was wearing and seductively ran my fingers through it, just how he liked. I had to admit, I definitely wouldn't have allowed myself to let go and have fun the way I had been.
"You're so beautiful," he said softly. He pulled me against his chest and held onto me. I nestled my face against his neck and gave him a few kisses.
I was beginning to realize how good he was for me. He was helping me become the person I never would have thought I'd become. I wasn't afraid to let someone hold me or take care of me. I didn't need alcohol to make me feel good. I no longer had to panic when we were away from each other. Sometimes just knowing that he was in the same room as me was enough to keep me calm.
The silence between us left me feeling like we were the only two people in the world with endless possibilities and we only wanted to spend our time wrapped around each other. There wasn't a single second where I had to second guess how he felt about me. I couldn't believe that there had been a time where I didn't want this and I was pushing him away. I was finally figuring out how to be happy. Nothing and nobody else in the world mattered except for him. He was the center of my universe and even though there was a possibility that I could get hurt in the future, I didn't care. I wanted to enjoy all of the positive experiences and love that he had to offer me.
"I have a confession to make," I whispered playfully. "What? You're leaving me?" he asked. I quickly sat up and saw the smile he had on his face. Like a reflex, I punched him in the shoulder. "No!" I shouted, "I swear to God I'll choke you," I growled, wrapping my hands around his neck. He was still laughing. "Don't choke me too hard, I might like it," he said with a wink.
"What I was going to say is that I was eavesdropping when Jada came over that one morning. I heard you tell her that you want to love and be loved by somebody." It was obvious that he wasn't expecting to hear that. I caught him off guard just like he had been doing to me, but he didn't panic. "Yes?" he replied. "Well, I'm finally realizing that I've always wanted the same thing. We might be kinda perfect for each other," I said, blushing. His hand came up and brushed my cheek. I had never felt so vulnerable and exposed before. I was pulling the scab off of the old wound that was love and I was grateful that he didn't make me regret it.
He caressed my cheek. "I love you so much, Sydney, and I always will," he said softly. His words were genuine and that sealed the deal. I was officially putting my heart on the line and I was loving every minute of it. "I love everything about you and nothing is ever going to change that. I won't let us fall apart again," he added. I always needed reassurance and I never had to ask him for it or make it obvious. Neither of us had ever been the best as opening up about our feelings, especially me. But he was always quick to address any and all of my concerns like he was able to read my mind. He was showing me more and more every day that he was the best thing to ever happen to me and I was never going to let him go.
Danny wrapped his hand around mine as we walked back down the street heading back to the beach house. After staying up all night long, as soon as the sun came up, we were hopping up and down the streets. We ran around like two kids with not a care in the world. Half the time, we didn't know where we were going or what we wanted to do, but I just let him lead the way and take me to any location that caught his eye. Even out in public, rushing through crowds, it still felt like we were in our own little bubble and nobody else in the world even existed. We skipped around until our legs were sore, ate until our stomachs were full, and laughed until we couldn't breathe.
“I swear I’d love to live here,” I said sounding relieved. The last few days had been pretty rough for me. I was glad that I finally had a support system. We strolled down the street where our condo was, hand in hand. The sun was setting and a part of me was disappointed that the day was coming to an end.
“Maybe we can make that happen one day,” he said throwing his arm over my shoulder. “Yeah right. We’d have to be billionaires,” I said with a laugh. “A man can dream, can’t he?” We laughed playfully and then climbed the stairs on the front porch. The light was dim in the living room, so that must have meant that Candace had come back. She had been slipping off before Danny and I woke up and would come back after we had gone to sleep. I had no idea where she was going, but I knew exactly what she was doing. In the back of my mind, I wanted her to put all that shit on hold until we got back at home, but I knew she wasn't strong enough to fight through the withdrawal.
I froze in front of the door and peeked through the screen to find her loading up a syringe. My stomach curled and a sudden wave of nausea came over me. My body went cold and beads of sweat broke out all over my skin.“What’s wrong?” Danny asked when I started to double over, holding my stomach. My mouth began to water and I knew that vomit was coming. I ran over to the banister and heaved until every bit of the seafood and burgers that we ate earlier came up. It made me sick to see her doing that shit. It was awful how drugs took someone that you loved so dearly and turned them into someone that you didn’t even know.
I continued to dry heave when the door flew open. “Syd! Are you okay?” Candace shouted,
coming over to see if I needed any help. I couldn’t stop the puke from coming up, but I flung my arm in her direction, hoping to make a fist, warning her to back the fuck up. “What’s the matter with you?!” she shouted, obviously offended by my gesture. “You and that shit is what’s the matter with me,” I groaned, still hanging over the banister. “I don’t know what you’re talking about!” This is what pissed me off. Now she had to lie about it and play stupid. When I was finally able to stand up, I grabbed her arm to expose the fresh track marks that still had blood trickling from them. I accidentally brushed my thumb over the blood and before I could yell at her anymore, Danny had pulled me away to rush me to the kitchen sink to wash it off of my hands.
“Babe, the worst thing you can do is touch the blood of a fiend!” he yelled at me. “I. AM NOT. A FIEND!” she yelled angrily as she charged through the door trying to lunge at me. This is how I knew she was high. Candace would have never tried to fight me. Even on my worst days. She had tried it a couple of times before she realized what she was doing. Danny stood between us, which was pissing me off because I had had enough of dealing with her and her drug problem. “You want to judge me for my habit when you’re just a drunk bitch! That’s why your fucking baby didn’t survive! You were and always will be a drunk bitch!” She sent me over the edge and now it was my turn to lunge at her. “GET THE FUCK OUT! JUST GO!” I yelled at the top of my lungs. Danny tried his best to grab me up in his arms to keep me away from her.
He swung me over to sit me on the counter and being pissed off that I couldn’t get my hands around her neck, I started throwing pots and pans. I lobbed a heavy cast iron skillet at her, but she dodged it a lot smoother than I would have expected her to. I was even more pissed that I missed her, so I threw a heavy glass plate. It shattered against the wall with shards of glass flying all over the room. “Bitch you’re here on MY parents’ money! Where the fuck are your parents? They don’t give a shit about you and when you roll over in a ditch going into convulsions from a fucking overdose, I hope they find you before the rats eat your ass up! NOW GET THE FUCK OUT!” I could tell that my words really cut her deep. It was the straw that broke the camel’s back. I didn’t care. I had done so much for Candace and for her to say something like that really changed the way I felt about her. I should have never swept the last incident under the rug. Part of me felt like she was still pissed off about me being around Danny and she was just waiting to snap on me again.
Danny was even more pissed than I was. We watched Candace snatch her bag up from the corner in the living room and the storm out the door. Danny went to lock it behind her. He also locked the back door and all of the windows. He moved through the house like lightening and I continued to sit on the counter, struggling to collect my thoughts. When he came back downstairs, he was still mad. “And what in the hell did you think you were doing?!” he screamed at me. I was deeply confused. I was trying to gather my thoughts to be able to figure out how in the hell I was in the wrong.
“What?! This wasn’t my fault, so don’t come back down here with that bullshit! Do you really want to be sleeping under the same roof with someone like that?” I yelled back at him. “Do you think it was smart to try to fight her?!” I was even more confused. “Whatever. I’m going to bed. Fuck you and goodnight.” I hopped off of the counter and stormed up the stairs. I went into the bedroom and snatched his pillow off of the bed and I threw it down the stairs wanting it to be hard enough to knock him upside his head. “I hope the couch is comfy asshole!”
Mood swing after mood swing was driving me insane. I pulled my clothes off and stepped into the shower. The warm water ran through my hair and I was finally about to relax again. I couldn’t believe that things with Candace had gotten this far. Then Danny goes and flips out on me. I felt like I was about to break and that’s when another wave of nausea hit me. I bent over to throw up near the drain. The last thing I needed was to be stepping in my own puke. That damn seafood was what had to have made me sick. I hoped and prayed that I wasn’t getting food poisoning. I turned the water off and decided to just dive over into the bed. Tonight had been filled with way too much excitement and I was left emotionally drained once more. Would this ever end? Could Danny and I last when we were fighting every other day? I grew even more scared just thinking about that. And then Candace. I didn’t know where she would sleep tonight, but I couldn’t say that I cared. That was seriously a low blow and I knew that I may have come off as judgmental when it came to her drug problem, but it was dragging her down. I knew that I drank a lot. I was well aware of that and there was really no excuse for it, but as I had said over and over again, I always drank so that I could forget. I could have killed for a bottle right about now.
I rolled over in the bed and stared at the ceiling. I never slept naked, but tonight I didn’t even have the effort to move, much less look for clothes. I rolled up burrito style in the sheets, my hair still wet and covering the pillow. I’d have to change them in the morning because I could guarantee that they’d be soaked. This was one of the many reasons why I had considered cutting it.
So much bounced around in my mind that I couldn’t keep up. This was ridiculous. Finally, I was defeated and I drifted off to sleep, hoping that tomorrow would be completely different and I could have a day to myself.
For more than a few days, Danny left me alone and I was both okay and annoyed. I was pissed that I wanted him to keep his distance, but like always, I craved his touch and energy. He didn't seem like he was upset with me. He still made sure I was okay considering the fact that I couldn't stop puking a few days ago. I felt fine now, so it had to have been food poisoning. The way he was acting made it hard for me to stay mad at him.
After three days of barely speaking to each other, I wasn't even mad anymore. But my pride wasn't going to let me give in and dismiss the fight. I was mostly upset because of the yelling. Yelling always got to me because it took me back to the days of being with Dean. It probably wouldn't have been so bad if he hadn't yelled at me. Everyone knew I had a short fuse and yelling was all it took for me to fly off the handle.
I was curled up with a pillow, drifting in and out when I felt the mattress shift as Danny climbed onto the bed. I made sure my expression revealed that I was still aggravated but on the inside, I was jumping for joy because I had been counting the seconds for when he would get close to me again.
"I'm sorry," he said, breaking the silence and eliminating the tension in the air. The tension alone had been so thick that you could have cut it with a knife. My heart jumped into overdrive and I was relieved when he apologized. I was even more thrilled by the fact that he was the first to address the whole situation. "I was just being overbearing and I shouldn't have yelled. I would never raise my voice at you willingly. I just didn't want her to get close enough to hurt you. I love you so much and I don't know what I would do without you." My back was facing him and I was thankful that he couldn't see the smile spreading across my face. Hearing those words made it ten times warmer.
He was silent once again when I finally decided to roll over and see him.
He had the look of regret and dread on his face. It almost looked like he thought that this fight would be the end of our relationship before it even started.
"Say it again," I said, smiling from ear to ear like I was the happiest girl in the world. It sure as hell felt like it.
He smiled widely, exposing all of his teeth. "I love you Sydney," he replied, "And I'll say it as much as you want me to. You're mine. You're finally mine." Usually I would protest against anyone claiming ownership of me, but right now I didn't care. I wanted to be loved by someone and he was that someone. "I love you Danny," I said before pressing my lips against his. That was when I realized that this situation was nowhere near being big enough to pull us apart. The love that he made me feel was so much bigger and so much more important to me than that. I was his and he was mine and that was enough to work through any obstacle that gets thrown at us.