Baby Don't Cry
I'm always sappy and I usually do pretty good with being descriptive (I try really hard to avoid being sappy). I'm always trying to write something real and deep and uplifting with the goal of trying to help someone else. That's kind of been a red flag for me here lately.
I'm the type that sits back and observes my surroundings and find a deeper meaning for why things are they way that they are. I'll just use love, mainly unconditional love, as an example simply because I talk about it in a way that can make someone feel warm and happy on the inside when they immediately think of one particular person.
I'm ashamed of the face that I haven't looked at it from a realistic point of view. People my age don't understand true unconditional love. I'm incredibly old-school when it comes to what I think unconditional love is. It's not seeing how many times you can fuck off and cheat on your significant other and see how many times they can be a dumb ass and take you back. It's not fighting and breaking up every other day just to get back together. It isn't buying material things and showering them in extravagant gifts to show off to the world when in reality, they're hurting and you don't even care. When they're sick, you have the basic instinct to take care of them, make them comfortable, and nurse them back to health. When their mental health is crumbling, you do what needs to be done to reassure them, no matter how many times you have to do it, that it will all be okay and help pull them back together. When they're struggling, take on some of their load to let them know that they don't have to carry it alone. Listen to them and appreciate them like they're about to take their last breath.
I've put so much into sticking with those morals and gave that type of love to people that weren't prepared to return the favor. I grew up around both sets of great-grandparents and they all served as my models for what real love should be. Granny Lou Lou couldn't move anything from the neck down and Paw Paw did everything for her. He knew what she liked and even knew how she wanted to wear her make up when she would go out. I spent a lot of time trying to turn someone into that kind of man when I shouldn't have had to.
I've worked so very hard on people and neglected myself. I now feel like that little 13 year old that was so confused by the fact that she liked certain things that her friends didn't like, but she conformed to fit in because she didn't want to be alone. I felt like a complete oddball before I put my foot down and decided not to care about what people thought of my likes and dislikes and found out who I really wanted to be and eventually I became that person and I was proud of all of that hard work. I learned to love me, myself, and I and no one else mattered at the time. I've finally found my reason for existing in Draven and Devin and I'm only obligated to love them and myself. I feel so incredibly broken all over again and I feel like I let that 13 year old and my boys down. The choices I made in the very beginning were specifically made for them and myself. Lately, I feel like I've deviated from my original plans and it's totally unacceptable. I forgot about my own plans and pushed them to the side to solely accommodate someone else, but the good news is that all of that is about to change.
Who would have ever thought that after 4 years of being together with 2 of those years being married, Thomas and I would be getting a divorce. I used to be one of those people that always thought that divorce was not an option (not just because I dropped a shit ton of money on the wedding). But life always has a way of catching you by surprise in the best and worst of ways. People change for the better and for worse and no matter what you do, you can't look back and you can't ignore it. I've put a lot into our marriage and since I don't feel like I'm getting the same thing in return, I have to let go.
Without my Celexa, I would be a mess. I haven't shed a single tear, I put my foot down, and I stood up for myself. Marriage makes people comfortable. People think that once they are tied to someone for the rest of their life, they don't have to try. They think that their spouse will love them unconditionally, no matter how shitty they are to them or who they become. I'm not specifically talking about my marriage. A lot of people have said the exact same thing and have spoken up and told me that they are having the same issues. I'll admit that I did lose my shit one day, but I held myself together as best as I could. I'm proud because my mind and thoughts haven't been clouded by my mood swings. That means that my treatment is working and for the very first time in my life, I feel strong and I'm proud.
Ever since I came to terms with wanting to get the divorce, I increased my dosage from 20 mg to 40 mg. When I first started taking it back in November, I hated it because I was totally snowed all the time with just the 20 mg. That could have just been because I was still recovering from my extremely high blood pressures. All medications have side effects and it can be terrifying, but sometimes the benefits outweigh the risks.
Overall, the benefits have really helped me keep a level head. My physical health is taking a slow decline because of how much stress I've been under. It I wasn't medicated, I'd probably go off the deep end. I would probably spend every second of every single day crying my eyes out. Truthfully, I probably wouldn't be able to turn my back and let it all go. I'd blame myself for putting a pain in my heart that would leave me curled up in a ball, begging God to either take the pain away or to simply let me die. It's sad that I've felt this way so many times before and sometimes it makes me even more upset that it took this long for me to want to make a change and love myself. I can't love anyone, especially my kids if I don't love myself first.